


It's not that easy, Baby Girl

by SuseliebeSuse



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Child Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, Nightmares, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Past Rape/Non-con, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-20
Updated: 2020-04-29
Packaged: 2020-05-15 13:33:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 27,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19296784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SuseliebeSuse/pseuds/SuseliebeSuse
Summary: After a severe case has gone wrong, Derek is dealing with memories of his past.He's struggling, will Penelope be able to help him through?- Set in Season 2 before the team learns about Derek's past -[Some chapter will have higher ratings, warning on the top of each chapter. Please read with caution if you have similar experiences]





	1. Chapter 1

Derek hated cases like this when he felt guilty for not being good enough and like shit afterward. It made him weak, and he didn't allow himself being like that. At those moments, Derek couldn't keep his inner walls up, and the voice of Carl Buford haunted him at this time more than ever. Nothing would stop this man from talking about the worse thing he did to Derek. And this time, Derek felt like he couldn't fight against a memory of Carl Buford once more. Derek wanted silence, nothing more. So, after he'd shook off Penelope, Derek joined the first bar he'd found on Friday evening. He'd felt even worse, refusing Penelope's offer to join him, because he knew, the only one who'd be able to help him through hard times was her. Derek loved Penelope profoundly and trusted her like no one else. But he'd felt weak and didn't want Penelope to see him like this. Derek also knew she wouldn't mind, but it was complicated. Derek saw himself as a broken man. He couldn't overcharge her willing to help him. Especially after those cases, Derek felt like it would never get better at any point. He felt helpless, and like a burden, and that was the reason why he had refused Penelope's offer. So, Derek Morgan did what the profiler was good at.  
Derek drank until he thought he wouldn't feel anything anymore and brought the first woman who jumped on him, home to his bed to fuck her into unconsciousness. The woman, he didn't even remember her hair color had left his house before he'd woken up without a message. And also if he'd felt more empty than before, Derek was glad she'd left him alone.  
On Saturday morning, Derek could still hear the haunting voice of Carl Buford, he even felt the man's touch on his skin. That caused Derek to get out of his bed, feeling dizzy and with a severe headache, to take a long hot shower. He scrubbed his skin until all he felt was some pain where he'd cleaned himself up. Derek dressed and walked downstairs to get himself some coffee. He felt worse than before, just like the piece of shit he was, Derek thought to himself as he found a cup. He drank his coffee in silence, thinking about to call Penelope. Derek wanted nothing more than to feel better. He sighed and decided against it.  
It was too complicated.  
Penelope was his best friend, but he loved her, and his feelings confused and frightened him, especially in the last few weeks. How could she have the same feelings towards him? Haunted by nightmares, a burden to her. Derek didn't feel worth her love. He wasn't worth anything. Derek turned on the TV and stared at the screen without realizing what he was watching.  
Derek drank the last few sips of his coffee and decided to go out, having a few drinks in another bar. It was almost 1 pm so it would be okay to start drinking. He grabbed his cell, keys and his wallet and headed out of his house, locking the doors behind him.  
It didn't take him long to find a bar and a barkeeper who served him the drinks he asked him for. Also, it didn't take Derek Morgan just a few hours to get drunk again. But this time he didn't jump on the first woman who tried on him. This time he fumbled out his cell, barely able to hold it. All he wanted was to hear her voice. Penelope.  
He couldn't really see what he was doing, his view was blurry, Derek saw everything twice, also he swayed even in his sitting position.  
The barkeeper saw him fighting with his cell and walked over to Derek.  
"Need some help, man? May I call someone for you?" Derek heard someone ask him and looked up, trying to get some hold in gripping the table with one hand.  
He recognized the man who'd helped him, feeling numb again and nodded.  
"Penelope," was all he managed to slur, but it seemed like the man had understood him because he dialed a number after he nodded towards Derek.  
He closed his tired eyes, only hoping that Penelope would find him anytime soon. Derek just wanted her to hold him, he couldn't stop his feelings or fight against them anymore. Craved for her like she was his life essence. Derek needed her, and in the drunk state he was, he couldn't stop himself from asking for her to help him.

 

* * *

* * *

 

Penelope woke up on a warm Saturday morning. Spring was about to show his first signs, and Penelope loved this part of the year. But this morning, she couldn't focus on the birds she was able to hear through her open window. Her mind flew to Derek, hoping he was doing alright for now. Soon, she realized that she couldn't wait for him to call her. She needed to see him as quickly as possible. Penelope knew Derek was struggling after a severe case had gone rigorously wrong last week. She knew it. But she'd respected his wish when he told her he wanted to be alone for the weekend.  
Penelope also knew it wasn't right, what he was doing, cutting himself off and on this morning, while she had her first cup of coffee, she decided she would have a look at her best friend and the silent love of her life in the afternoon. Carefully taking a few sips of her steaming hot coffee, Penelope remembered how devastated Derek had been after they came back from Ohio yesterday.

_Like every time, Penelope waited in front of the elevator to greet the team and gave everyone a hug full of Penelope Garcia love. Derek was the last one to hug, and he refused to look her in the eyes before she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her. He tensed in her arms but brought his arms around her waist to hold her close._  
_"Hey Handsome, can I do anything for you?" Penelope heard herself asking while she began to worry about her best friend. She'd imagined he would be exhausted and emotionally drained but that look in his eyes...it almost scared her. Derek seemed so far away when he finally shook his head after some endless seconds._  
_"No. Guess I'll just need some time alone to get my things back in place," Derek murmured, still not looking Penelope in the eyes. She brought both of her hands to his cheeks and caressed him softly with her thumbs. Just then he took a look at her. His whole appearance carried a sense of sadness, but a look in his eyes made it much worse for her._  
_"Are you sure? I have no plans, I could join you," she suggested, but Derek pulled away from her and shook his head. He didn't say anything more before he walked away._

Sighing, Penelope decided that she couldn't wait until the afternoon. She would have some breakfast, take a shower, then she would pack her go-bag, even if Penelope had many clothes at Derek's, she decided to grab some more clothes...just in case. She would pick up some of Derek's favorite movies and snacks. With all these things Penelope would show up and wouldn't leave him today. Deep inside her, she knew, Derek needed someone at his side, even if he didn't realize it for the moment. Penelope smiled at her plan and nodded to herself while she poured herself another cup of coffee. That was the plan, and this time, Penelope wouldn't let him pull away again.  
"No way Derek Morgan," she said to herself before she took a bite of her breakfast. There was no chance for him to suffer alone. She'd let him be for one night, but, Penelope decided, she wouldn't leave him until he felt better.  
Derek Morgan, her Noir Hero, meant the world to her. She would show him, no matter how much time she would need, that he wasn't alone, that he hadn't had to go through his suffering all on his own. Penelope could carry some of his weight to make it easier for him. Just to be honest, she would do anything for her best friend and love of her life.  
Full motivation she started her day after her delicious breakfast. Penelope cleaned the table, did the dishes, packed her bag, and left her apartment at 11 am in the morning. She headed to the next supermarket and decided to buy enough things for a few days. Penelope knew that if Derek was suffering, and she, for sure knew he was, he wouldn't leave his house. He would face his demons in there and try to fight them, like every time. Penelope didn't know what was waiting for her behind Derek's doors, how could she? But indeed, she was hoping he would let her in. Not just into the house, but into him, so she would be able to help him through his grief. Penelope knew he would take it as his fault. Heading to Derek's house, she thought of the case, that had gone so wrong. Three innocent children had died. Derek had been able to save one, on his way back to the other three, the UNSUB had shown up and killed them. The last child had been murdered in front of Derek's eyes. He'd shot the UNSUB promptly, but that didn't ease the pain, Derek felt for not being fast enough. Penelope knew him long enough now, she'd seen it in his eyes. But it wasn't his fault, it was no one's fault but the UNSUB's who'd killed the children after kidnapping them three days before. That child who Derek had saved still hadn't talked about what had happened to him. But the young boy, with only nine years of age, had several wounds on his body, caused by a cigarette or a belt. They'd also found signs of rape.  
Penelope shivered as she thought about that innocent child who had to carry all these things with him for the rest of his life. But she also knew how that would affect Derek. She didn't know why exactly, but Penelope sensed that there was something more about Derek, that he hadn't told her yet.  
Penelope stopped her car right in front of his house after she'd checked that his car was in the driveway. She tried to carry all of her things together to the front door, but it was just too much, so she walked three times until she had all her stuff ready. It had taken her three hours to get here, and she was relieved to finally be able to knock on his door. Penelope also rang the doorbell, just in case he didn't hear her.  
Penelope could hear muffled voices from the inside, but nobody opened the door.  
"Derek?" She called out, trying to look through the window of his living room, Penelope realized then that the TV was on. He had to be at home. So, she searched for her cell phone and dialed Derek's number, trying to call him. Her call went straight to his mailbox.  
Sighing, she kneeled down with her purse to search for the key, Derek had given her a few years ago. He'd told her back then, that she was welcome at any time and Penelope would take him at his words.  
Finding her keys, she unlocked the front door and called out for Derek so he would know she was here. She then brought all of the stuff inside, she had with her.  
Just then Penelope started to look for Derek, but found out soon, that he wasn't home.  
Sighing, Penelope sat down on his comfortable couch in his living room. A few seconds later she'd decided to wait for him until he would come home or call her because she knew what he was doing. He did it a lot the last time. Going out, having a lot more than a few drinks to numb whatever was haunting him.  
But this time, Penelope Garcia wouldn't let him do that. She would stay at his side and help him through the things he was struggling with.  
Rosing to her feet, Penelope decided to prepare a light meal for him. Derek would need it after he'd come home. It was soon after she'd finished fixing dinner when her cell phone rang. Penelope quickly picked it up, realizing with a relieved sigh that it was Derek who was calling her.  
"Derek, are you alright?" Even if she felt relieved that he'd called her, she was anxious about his mental state.  
"M Sorry, mam, this isn't Derek. But he is at my bar and tried to call you...," a stranger answered and Penelope's heart dropped. He'd tried to call her, that meant, Derek must be very drunk if he wasn't able to make a call anymore.  
"I pick him up, where can I find him?" She asked in a tearful, shaking voice.  
The man told her the address, and Penelope quickly headed towards the bar, which was very close to Derek's home. She parked right in front of it and opened the passenger's door so she would be able to get him into her car most easily.  
Penelope quickly headed inside and saw the man she loved so much immediately.  
"Derek," she whispered, barely able to hold her tears back when she walked over to him. Derek didn't recognize her at first, but when she sat down beside him, he managed to look up. After a few tries, he found her face with his red-rimmed, glassy eyes. Penelope could see that he could barely focus on her.  
"Baby Girl," Derek slurred in a hoarse and also tearful voice.  
"I need ya," he also managed to say, more slurring than anything, but she understood him. So she pulled him towards her, wrapping her arms around him.  
"I'm here now," she whispered in his ear when he leaned his head against her shoulder. "Let's get you home, Handsome."  
"Help me..." he begged her as if he had to say that.  
"Good, that you ask me to, I won't leave you, that's a promise, but I have to get you into your bed, Hot Stuff. Can you help me and stand up, walk with me to my car?" She asked him with a soft, still tearful voice. Derek nodded and slowly pulled himself out of her embrace. They struggled a lot but managed to get him up of his seat. Derek barely could set one foot in front of the other, but the barkeeper helped them to get him into Penelope's car. She fastened his seatbelt and closed the door.  
"Thank you," she said to the barkeeper who just nodded. He then headed back inside, and Penelope got back into Esther to drive Derek to his home.


	2. Chapter 2

Derek didn't really remember how he made it back to his bed when he woke up in the late morning, realizing he was home. He opened his eyes and watched the ceiling for a while, trying not to think about anything.  
A severe headache was clouding his mind, so Derek decided to get up and take a hot shower. After the washing, he would look for some painkillers. Just when Derek was about to put his blankets away, the mattress beside him shifted, and he heard someone sighing.  
Immediately, Derek tensed. He really wasn't in the mood to face any woman now he'd taken with him. Derek couldn't remember anything after he walked into the bar yesterday and had begun drinking.  
"Hey Handsome, everything's alright?"  
That was a surprise.  
Derek turned his head to face Penelope Garcia right at his side, watching him with sleepy, but concerned eyes. He was shocked beyond words.  
Why was she here?  
Had they?  
Did he?  
He would never do that to her, or would he?  
So many questions were forming in his head, quite soon, he was overwhelmed and to be honest, he just wanted to run away from the fact that he, Derek Morgan, brought Penelope Garcia into his bed. He loved her, never could he use her for his needs like he did with other women.  
"What's wrong, you look like you've seen a ghost, Derek," Penelope said, but Derek couldn't hear her words, just see her lips moving. He needed to get out of here, to apologize, to clear his mind, all at the same time. But instead, he just laid there, staring at Penelope in shock. She sat up and grabbed his hand. Just then he realized how tense he was. Wouldn't his mind have been so clouded, he would realize that both of them were still wearing their clothes.  
"I'm so sorry," he croaked, averting his eyes and pulling his hand out of her grip. "I never meant to do that to you," he almost whispered in shame and slowly sat up. He turned his back towards her and hid his head behind his big palms.  
God, he was such a mess!  
He fucked his best friend, the woman he loved more than anything. Derek had never wanted to hurt her, fuck with her in such a drunken state. If he would be able to tell her someday that he loved her, he wanted their first time to be something special. And now he'd treated her like every other woman before. Penelope didn't deserve that. She needed a man who treated her like the extraordinary woman she was.  
"Derek," the mattress shifted beside him, he knew Penelope now sat at his side, but he couldn't bear to look at her. The hurt and pity in her eyes would finally destroy him, he couldn't, just couldn't look at her.  
"You better go, Penelope...," the words left his mouth without being able to think, his voice was raspy and if he didn't protect his face with his hand, she would see the tears, which had formed in his eyes. He didn't want her to go, hell no! Penelope was his life essence, especially at times like this. But if he used her like this, he didn't know if they could go back to normal again.  
"Oh no, Mr. Hot and Sexy. You called me yesterday and begged me to help you, and I will just do that. I won't leave you alone this time," Penelope answered, hard-headed, just like he knew her. Derek would have given anything if she could stay, anything. But he didn't know what to think, his head hurt, he couldn't remember what had happened yesterday and he felt like a total piece of shit!  
"You can't stay, I'm just hurting you. I can't...I just can't do that to you, Penelope. Not to you."  
"You're not hurting me, Handsome. I'm staying, there's nothing to discuss. Let's get you some painkillers, you must have a severe headache."  
"Penelope...I'm so sorry," Derek just murmured, still hiding his face from his best friend. He felt it hard to breathe, Derek couldn't stay with her, he would break down. And Derek didn't know if he was able to get back on his feet this time.  
"For what? For calling me? Honestly? I'm glad you did. You were so drunk, Hot Stuff. Who knows where you could've ended yesterday? So I've brought you to bed and watched you while you got your rest, nothing more."  
She put her hands over his and pulled them away from his face. Derek still didn't look at her, he hadn't progressed yet, what she'd said to him.  
"Look at me?" She asked him. How could he refuse her? So Derek locked his eyes with hers for a moment. Penelope was smiling kindly at him.  
There was no hurt, no pity. Just kindness and a lot of concern.  
"You haven't done anything, Derek. Do you understand me? You wanted me to help you and here is the Goddess you need, alright?"  
Derek nodded, slowly progressing what Penelope was saying. He hadn't done anything....just now he looked at her and paid attention to their clothes. He was fully dressed, just like her. Derek then was able to relax a little. He sighed and closed his eyes in relief. Derek hadn't done anything, he knew it now. But he was sure, Penelope wouldn't want him like this, no matter if he were drunk or not. Derek didn't deserve her, and Penelope wasn't in love with him. It hurt him to think that, but it was better that way, she didn't need a mess like him.  
Again, he nodded. Penelope let go of his hands. For a second, he felt empty anew, but it was just until Penelope wrapped her arms around his torso and leaned her head against his shoulder, just like she used to do it very often. Derek managed to pull her into a tight embrace. He tilted his head against hers and inhaled her scent. It had an almost healing effect on him. Derek held her against him as if he was afraid to lose her.  
"I'm not going anywhere Handsome," Penelope whispered and made him relax a little bit more. Just a few minutes before he had told her to go, but he just wanted her to stay with him. She was able to make him feel better only with her presence, and he realized how much he needed her today.  
"Let's get you some painkillers and a hot, calming shower. And, if you're able to eat, I cooked something for us yesterday," Penelope was telling him, and he nodded in agreement. "Sounds good to me, Baby Girl," he said slowly but refused to let her out of his strong arms right now.  
"Thank you," he whispered silently. Penelope squeezed him a bit.  
"You don't have to, I was so concerned about you, Derek Morgan. Just promise to never do that again!"  
"Do what again?" He asked her, feeling bad to know that Penelope had been concerned about him.  
"Don't push me out. Don't suffer all alone. I'm right here, and it doesn't matter what it is that's bothering you, Handsome. I will be at your side no matter what. Even a hero needs help sometimes," she told him, tilting her head so she could look at him. "There's nothing you could do, that would push me away, Handsome, do you hear me?"  
"I hear ya, Baby Girl. But it's not that easy for me," he told her honestly in a hoarse voice. No one knew about his past, about Carl Buford. But every case that included abuse of children made it harder and harder to hide the fact that he was one of the victims of a child molester. Derek knew he was struggling with his past. But telling Penelope about this would make her run away, he knew it. It didn't matter what she told him earlier. No one knew about the happenings after his dad had died, not even his beloved mom or his sisters. Long ago, he'd decided to hide this from everyone around him, and it had worked that way.  
Until this last case.  
"Just keep trying, alright?"  
"That I can promise you, Baby Girl."

 

* * *

* * *

 

Penelope brought her best friend some painkillers and a glass full of water. She watched him as he slowly drank it and felt tears forming in her eyes. Never, since she knew him, which was a few years now, Penelope had been so concerned about the man in front of her. Something was bothering Derek, and whatever it was, this time he couldn't fight it on his own. Derek placed the empty glass on his nightstand and stood up, slowly.  
Penelope put her arms around his waist as soon as he stood and joined him on his way to the bathroom. Derek yet wasn't very steady on his feet.  
"I'm going to get our meal ready. If you need my help just call me alright?", she asked him, looking deep into his sad, dark eyes.  
"Yeah, I will, Baby Girl, thank you," he answered and tried with a half smile. She smiled right back at him and walked out of the bathroom.  
Penelope walked downstairs, right into the kitchen, and started to work on their meal. It was already midday when she checked the clock in the kitchen. They wouldn't have much time before work would call them back Monday morning, but Penelope decided to stick to his side as often as possible. Derek had tried to push her away, but this time, he wouldn't have a chance. Whatever was bothering him, she wouldn't give up until he would feel better, honestly better. It must've been horrible for him, she thought to herself while heating up the veggie lasagne for them. Penelope hadn't seen Derek like this before, but the last case must have triggered something inside him, he couldn't fight against.  
She looked out of the window, realizing the sun was shining. So Penelope decided to get Derek out of the house to have a little walk after their dinner. She hoped he would like the idea and also knew he needed to get out of here for a while. Genuinely in thoughts, Penelope didn't hear him coming, until he wrapped his arms around her from behind. Instantly she leaned herself against him, enjoying his closeness for the moment. Penelope even closed her eyes and sighed happily.  
"Welcome back my Chocolate Thunder!"  
He chuckled, still staying behind her and placed a kiss on the top of her head. "Are you hungry?" She asked then, turning around in his arms to look at his handsome face. Derek nodded, still holding her close to him as she wrapped his arms around his neck.  
"To be honest, I'm starving!"  
"Excellent, because I made way too much for both of us!" Penelope joked freely just to see him trying on a half smile again. This time it worked better, and it lifted Penelope's mood.  
She leaned her head against him for a moment, because she loved it to be held by Derek in his strong arms, before pulling away from him. The look on his face changed, he almost seemed disappointed, but Penelope didn't know why. She grabbed his hand, and together they walked over to his couch, where she had set the table for both of them.  
They sat down and began to eat as soon as Penelope had served both of them.  
"Hey, let's go out for a while, it's so pretty outside today."  
"Out? Where do you want to go?" Derek asked her, and she shrugged.  
"Honestly I haven't thought about where to go, maybe a park? Catching some sun or having a walk?" She suggested and watched him while she waited for an answer.  
"Everything you want, Baby Girl," finally was the answer she got from him and Penelope frowned.  
"Oh no, Mister! The next time, it'll be all about you, you and you! So what would you like to do?"  
Derek, apparently, was surprised by this answer. He didn't say something for a while, but she could see him thinking. That was a thing to start with, she thought to herself while she ate the last pieces of her food.  
"I'm sorry I'm not a good company. I honestly don't know what I want to do, Baby Girl...maybe it's better you go and enjoy..."  
"No way, Derek Morgan. I don't care if you're a good company or not. I don't care if we spent the day, sitting next to each other, watching movies, or doing other stuff. I don't care if you don't want to talk a lot. But I care about you, and you're not doing well so I won't leave your side until I see you're doing better."  
Derek raised his hands in defeat, but his whole expression still was hopeless and without his always present confidence as he did so.  
"Alright, alright! I just don't want you to get depressed because of me. I'm really not angry if you want to leave."  
The look in his eyes told her otherwise, so Penelope just raised a brow and shot him a look.  
"No more words, I'm staying," she answered, taking his hand in hers. For a moment, Derek's expression was more than relieved before he looked exhausted and sad again. Derek squeezed her hand a bit and nodded.  
"Okay, I think I have to accept that, Baby Girl," he tried to say jokingly.  
"Yes, my beautiful Noir Hero! I've packed clothes for a little while, which means I'm so glued to you for the next time. It's not always good to be on your own."  
Penelope observed Derek's expression and knew immediately, he was afraid to talk about the things that bothered him. Maybe she would get him into talking, but right now, he wasn't ready.  
"Maybe, your right," Derek gave in, and Penelope nodded.  
"I am, Mr. Hot and Sexy!" She smiled at him, relieved that he didn't try to make her go again, that he accepted her offer of some company.  
"Hey, let's just watch some movies with some popcorn?" She suggested then, which caused Derek to nod in agreement.  
"But please, not tearjerkers."  
Penelope nodded and chuckled. "Alright, alright. You choose the film."


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning: This chapter contains mention of child molestation!! PLEASE read the italic part with caution!!**

 

* * *

* * *

 

  
  
  
Derek hadn't been this relaxed for a while. His headache had gone, he felt just tired. They'd decided to have a slackening day on his home. He and Penelope were laying on his couch, Derek was holding her in his arms. Penelope had wrapped her arms around his waist, her head placed on his chest as if to belong there. She had covered them with a woolen blanket. It was warm and comfortable. He felt safe with her at his side. A movie was playing in the background, and soon he felt himself drifting off to sleep.

 

_First, he dreamt nothing, but very soon, he was in a cabin._   
_That cabin._   
_He was slightly drunk but thrilled with the knowledge, he'd drank alcohol at the age of thirteen when it wasn't allowed. No one of his friends had done that before, he had a lot to tell them when he was back with them at school on Monday._   
_"Don't tell your Ma, about it," Buford had begged him, and Derek immediately had agreed. Mom will kill me, he'd thought to himself while he drank his glass of "Jesus juice" like Buford told him, empty. It tasted so sweet, and Derek grinned from ear to ear. He felt relaxed and totally enjoyed the moment. Something, Derek hadn't often done since his dad had died._  
Never, in his whole life, he'd imagined that his worst nightmare was about to come.   
_Little Derek felt light-headed and swayingly walked over to the window of the small cabin, he stayed with Buford in. Looking out of the window for a little while, he didn't realize, the older man rising from the sofa and coming up behind him. Derek almost jumped when he felt Buford's hands on both sides of his shoulder._   
_"Want another round, Derek?" The older man's face was so close, Derek could smell the sour smell of Buford's breath. It almost made him shiver as he shook his head._   
_"Nah, I'm passing." Derek murmured, still looking out of the window. He felt uncomfortable for the first time when he was around Carl, and Derek couldn't put his finger on it, why he felt like this. Carl was such a kind man, and even in his young state of age, Derek knew, if he hadn't met Carl Buford, life wouldn't be this good to him at this point. Carl had shown him how not to put his anger out on other people. He'd taught him how to play football, and now, he was one of the best players in the team. Carl had told him, he inevitably would become a football star, if he would go on like this. And Derek wanted that. Maybe he would get an athletic scholarship too if he was good enough in the future. For the first time in a few years, he felt good._   
_Truly good._   
_Since the loss of his father, Derek had been drowning. His Mama hadn't been able to help him, it was he who had to protect her and his two sisters Sarah and Desiree. But his Mama had brought him to the man who'd helped him. She'd brought him to the Upward Youth Center in Chicago._   
_Suddenly, Derek felt the hands of Buford caressing his arms up and down._   
_"Are you sure? It'll take a while until we can go fishing again, there's some time to pass," the older man whispered, and Derek felt a shiver running down his spine._   
_Why did he feel so uncomfortable?_   
_But most of this all, why was Buford so close to him?_   
_Derek didn't really understand what was going on, but soon, he realized that drinking alcohol wasn't the best idea. Something was terribly wrong right now. Derek tried to get out of Buford's grip, but the older man's grip increased on his upper arms._   
_"Hey, do you feel sick? Let me help you," Carl said, pressing his body against Derek's back, refusing to let the boy away._   
_"Nah, just let me go," young Derek answered, trying to get his arms free off Buford's grip. All he wanted was to bring some distance between them. But Carl refused to let him go. Blocking Derek with his body, the older man's hands began to roam over the younger man's arms and chest._   
_"Let me help you," Buford panted behind him, causing Derek to feel more and more uncomfortable. His whole body tensed at the touches of Buford. That didn't feel good at all, hell no. Derek wanted to get out of here, as soon as possible. He tried to fight against Carl, but he couldn't think clearly, his body was clumsy, thanks to the alcohol. Derek struggled against the touches of Buford when he felt that he was unbuttoning his shirt._   
_"What are you doing?" Derek asked. He could hear his voice loud and clear, full of panic and fear, although blood was rushing loud in his ears. Derek didn't want that, Carl had to stop this, that wasn't good._   
_"Just look up to the sky, Derek," Buford whispered. The older man's breath tickling on his neck, Derek felt like he wanted to vomit. He didn't want that, no no, no!_   
_"What are you doing?" Derek asked again, whispering. Still struggling with the grip of the older man behind him. But he wouldn't stop touching him, wouldn't stop undressing him. His pants around his ankle's, Derek felt hot tears streaming down his face._   
_"Please," he whispered, panicking. But he couldn't do anything against him. Carl was so much stronger, he was used to alcohol, not like Derek. Soon, the younger man realized, he would have no chance._   
_He had to endure it._   
_"You better man up, boy. Just look up to the sky, Derek. I promise you will like it," the older man panted from behind, touching the younger man's body everywhere he wasn't allowed to. And Derek did what Buford told him. His view was blurry, the tears wouldn't stop. Derek knew he didn't want it, but his body betrayed him as soon as Buford began to work on the area on his lower front. He was so ashamed of himself. And when the sharp pain in the most intimate place on his lower back came soon after Buford began to touch his front, Derek didn't scream. He just looked up to the sky and tried to man up, just like Buford told him panting, while he was thrusting inside and out of him._   
_It hurt._   
_So much._   
_He let Buford do what he wanted, gripping the wooden sill, as if his life depended on it, his knuckles sticking out white. His face reddened in shame and pain._   
_Kept looking up to the sky until it was over._   
_Until Carl let go of him._   
_Derek sank to the ground, feeling hurt in places that never should be maltreated._   
_Felt ashamed, oh so ashamed._   
_"Go clean yourself up," Buford told him a second later. "Man up, boy. And don't tell anyone about this."_   
_Tears were streaming down his face as he pulled himself up from the ground. Pulling his pants up again, he ran to the bathroom._

"Derek? Hot Stuff!"  
He stirred when he heard a familiar voice coming into the bathroom, little Derek was cleaning himself up. The tears wouldn't stop while he did so, not even by listening to her calling his name. But Derek wouldn't lie when he said, her voice calmed him down somewhat.  
Something touched his cheek, and he tensed again.  
Buford?  
No...Penelope.  
His Baby Girl.  
He could smell her perfume.  
She was with him.  
Would make him feel better.  
"Hey Handsome, open your eyes, you're having a nightmare."  
"Baby Girl..."  
Young Derek in the shower was fading away and got replaced by his angel, smiling at him, as soon as Derek opened his heavy lids. Penelope smiled at him, she touched his cheek again, wiping away something wet.  
Tears?  
Had he cried for real?  
"Are you okay? It must've been a bad dream," she said silently, looking at him with relief. "I've had a hard time, getting you awake."  
Derek took a deep, shuddering breath and allowed his body to relax somewhat. He leaned into Penelope's touch. He needed her more than the air right now, so he wrapped his arms around her and pulled Penelope into a tight embrace.  
Penelope didn't refuse his need for closeness, she leaned her head back against his chest.  
"I'm not okay, but I'm going to be okay," he whispered, hoping it'll become real. He didn't want to be that weak, or that ashamed of him all the time  
"I'm here, whatever it is, you can tell me, Handsome, you know that. Right?"  
Derek slowly nodded, closing his eyes against the fresh tears, which were about to come out  
"I know, but I can't talk about it, Baby Girl. I just can't," his voice hoarse, he tried to swallow the lump in his throat.  
"It's okay, Hot Stuff. You just need to know that I'm here, whenever you can."  
Derek squeezed her and nodded, not being able to say anything for a few more moments. He just held on her for dear life.

* * *

* * *

 

Penelope was watching the movie when she felt Derek falling asleep, holding her in his arms. His breathing was deep and slow, and she felt his body relaxing. To be honest, she was relieved that he found some more sleep. Derek looked like shit, and he definitely needed his rest, before they had to head back to work tomorrow. He didn't behave like he usually did, something was severely wrong with him. Penelope hoped that he would get over it, with or without talking to her. To be honest, she would do anything to help him through this period. He seemed so helpless and sad. Penelope would stick to him like glue, she cared too much about the handsome man next to her. She looked at his now relaxed sleeping expression for a moment and smiled at the view until he frowned. His grip on her upper arm increased, and Derek's whole body tensed up. He, undoubtedly, was having a bad nightmare. Penelope decided to wait a moment longer, hoping he would wake up on his own or for the evil dream to get replaced by a better one. But Derek wasn't that lucky. She could almost see him getting more and more uncomfortable with any passing second, so she tried to wake him up. But he wouldn't. Frowning, he murmured some words, Penelope didn't understand. She sat up and looked at him, concerned. Derek had been looking so exhausted and emotionally drained since she was with him. That dream seemed to make it worse. So she tried to get him awake. It wasn't that easy, he was so caught in that dream. Penelope reached out to him, but all Derek did, was beginning to weep at the contact.   
That shocked Penelope most.   
He didn't cry.   
Derek Morgan was robust, he refused to share tears.  
No, Derek didn't cry.   
This must be so bad, Penelope couldn't imagine. She couldn't see him suffering more like he just did so she did everything to get him awake, she called out his name, touched his cheek until he slowly opened his eyes. The expression on his face was full of fear and sadness for the first moment until he realized where he was.  
"Baby Girl...," his voice was hoarse, and soon, he pulled her into a tight embrace after she'd wiped away some of his tears. Penelope's heart broke for him, she so desperately wanted to help him. But he told her he couldn't talk, and she wouldn't push him into talking. Derek held her in his arms for a long while until he released his grip. Penelope looked at his weary expression for a while, until Derek looked her in the eye. He tried on a smile but failed. Penelope squeezed him and smiled a bit.  
"I think my Chocolate Thunder needs some distraction. What is right for you after a bad dream? I would do anything, even sport if it's something you like to do after a nightmare. Although if I would prefer some ice cream and a tearjerker like my best friend uses to say," she tried to joke and, to her surprise was successful, because Derek smiled.  
"Seeing my Baby Girl doing sports sounds fun, but not today. Instead, just if you want to, I'll show you one of my houses, I'm remediating at the moment. I could need some ideas for the kitchen," he told her slowly, obviously relieved about her distraction.  
Penelope nodded eagerly.  
"Yes, sure! I would love to see it!" She answered happily. Derek had told her and the team a lot about his projects, and she was curious to see one of the houses.  
"Whenever you're ready, Hot Stuff!"  
Derek squeezed her once more and placed a tender kiss on her forehead.  
"Ready!" He told her then, causing her to blush a little. God, how much she loved him. Having him so close the whole day was more, Penelope could ever hope for. She was the happiest human being, laying in his strong arms. Penelope would never wish for more than friendship. She knew she wasn't his kind of type. But she knew she was the one woman who was able to hold him together when he couldn't do it on his own on days like this. He trusted her with all his heart, and Penelope knew it. That would be enough. At least they had a beautiful friendship, and that was more, Penelope could ever ask for.  
"Alright, my Noir Hero, let's get to that surely awesome house of yours!" She said then, and both rose to her feet. They grabbed their things and jackets and headed to Penelope's car. She decided to drive today, and Derek didn't refuse. Penelope started her vehicle, Esther and together they made it to one of his houses, a few blocks from here, where they spent the whole afternoon together until the late evening.   
Derek relaxed more and more while they walked through his house and he talked about everything he wanted to do in here. It had an almost healing effect on him, Penelope could see it, as more time passed by. She couldn't be happier with his suggestion. And when the time came to drive back home, Derek was almost as relaxed and self-confident as she knew him. Monday could come, Penelope thought, as they made their way back to his home. She would spend the next time with him, Penelope had suggested it earlier, and Derek had agreed. He'd seemed glad about her suggestion, and Penelope didn't ask, she was just happy that he wanted her with him. That he didn't push her away to suffer on his own. She loved him more than anyone before, and she would do anything for him.


	4. Chapter 4

Monday morning came too fast for Derek's taste. When the alarm clock ringed loudly at 7 on Monday, Derek groaned and turned off the alarm. He wasn't ready to go back to work. But, like always, he would do everything to keep his mask upright. Derek would smile, make jokes.  
He would try to at least.  
Slowly, he pulled the blankets away and got off of his bed. He turned around to look at the sleeping person at his other bedside. She was the most beautiful person on earth, without makeup but wearing a soft smile. Penelope was still asleep, so he decided to wake her before he would take his morning shower.  
"Good morning, Baby Girl," he silently said as he walked over to her side and sat down on the mattress. Derek couldn't find words to tell her how grateful he was for her being with him these past two days. It meant the world to him, and she'd helped him a lot.  
"I'll show you a good morning, Hot Stuff," her sleepy voice sounded so pretty in his ears that he couldn't hide a smile.  
"I bet you do," he said, still smiling, as she opened one of her eyes to look at him. Penelope really wasn't a morning person. It was quite amusing watching her wake up that slowly.  
"But you'll have to wake up, Gorgeous, time to stand up."  
Penelope groaned and stretched her well-formed body slowly before opening her eyes again.  
"Alright, alright! God, I hate mornings, but Monday mornings especially," she yawned and sat up slowly. "I'm fully awake now Mr. Hot and Sexy, satisfied?" She asked, looking at him with a sleepy, grumpy expression. Her hair stuck out in every direction. Penelope couldn't be more beautiful at that moment, and Derek caught himself staring at her a few moments too long before he nodded. He placed a kiss on her forehead before he rose back to his feet.  
"Fully satisfied, Mama," he told her and brought a little smile to her lips. He grabbed his clothes and headed to the bathroom. As he almost reached the door, she stopped him.  
"Hey, Handsome?" Derek turned around to look at her, Penelope was still sitting in his bed, watching him.  
"Are you okay?" her voice was full of concern. Derek didn't deserve her, Penelope cared so much about him, it was unbelievable. He was just a burden to her, he made her worry too much. So, Derek decided to do what he always did: he would build his walls up as high as possible.  
"I'm better today. Many thanks to you," Derek answered. Honestly, he felt better today, but it was far away from being okay.  
Penelope let out a sigh of relieve. Smiling, she got off of the bed and headed towards him. Derek looked at her as she did so, and when she wrapped her arms around his waist, her warm and sleepy body pressing against his, Derek couldn't refuse to pull her into a firm embrace. Penelope probably was the only person who would be able to break the walls he'd built for many years now. Not even his mom had been able to pull through them.  
Derek was afraid of what Penelope was able to do without doing that much. He wasn't sure which dams would break if he would let her in. Derek had a hard time trusting people, but Penelope had quickly found a way into his heart. He trusted her completely with all his being. But still, Derek was afraid. What would she say if she knew that he'd been a victim of a child molester? Even Derek didn't like his body because of that fact. He couldn't look at himself, treated his body with sports on a daily basis. It was funny, he thought to himself as he pulled Penelope closer to his body. Many men would be happy to have a body like him, well-shaped and muscular. But Derek didn't feel anything about it besides shame for being weak.  
Penelope tilted her head, to look at him. She smiled the sweetest smile.  
"I'm going to get our breakfast ready, Hot Stuff. If we're going on like this, we'll be late for work," she joked. Derek nodded, he didn't want to let her go out of his embrace, but she was right.  
"You're right," he answered and opened his bedroom door for her after he'd let her out of his embrace. "See you in a few minutes."  
Derek headed to the shower. He turned the water on and stepped under the hot water. It didn't calm him as much as Penelope was able to, but it was good enough for the moment. He took his time, and after that, he dressed and headed into the kitchen, where Penelope had already finished preparing their breakfast.  
"Smells good," he said when he walked into the kitchen towards her. Penelope poured him a cup of coffee. They ate in comfortable silence, enjoying each others company. It was selfish having her around just to make him feel better. Derek knew it, but he couldn't help himself, he craved being with her, having her as close as possible.  
They got ready for work after that and headed to the BAU right after that. Derek wanted Penelope to drive with him, but she refused. She required using her own car, just in case Derek would need his truck. That was logical, but Derek missed her in these 15 minutes more than he could ever admit.  
One hour later, Derek and the rest of the team headed to the jet. A new case.  
Two women had been raped and murdered in Orlando, Florida. They had to help the local police there. Penelope, like always, joined them on their way to the elevator.  
"Take care of yourself," she said to the team, almost pleading like every time. Derek never had met a woman who'd cared so much about the people around her like Penelope. He watched her hugging everyone, even Gideon who seemed slightly confused. He was the last one to hug. Derek pulled her into a tight embrace, fully aware of the team, watching them. But he didn't care today.  
"Call me, Derek, anytime, alright?" Penelope whispered, and he nodded, before placing a soft kiss on the top of her head.  
"Promise!"  
"I promise, Baby Girl. Anytime."  
"Good, my Chocolate Thunder. I'm waiting for your call!" She smiled at him as he pulled away. Derek nodded again and headed into the elevator, where the rest of the team was waiting for him.  
The flight to Florida wasn't long, and as soon as they landed, they started working. Derek and Penelope talked a few times when they needed her, and every time she would ask him.  
"Are you okay?"  
Every time he affirmed. But he was peevish, more than he knew himself. Hotch warned him to stay focused as they drove back to the hotel in the evening. His boss knew, something was up and asked him about it, but Derek wouldn't say a word. He had to pull himself together.  
"If you need a time-out, just say it, Morgan," Hotch told him as they parked their car.  
"No, I'm good, Hotch. I just haven't slept that good."  
Hotch looked at him with his stern expression for a moment, but he nodded.  
"Alright, I'll believe you then. See you tomorrow."  
They headed into their hotel rooms and the first thing, Derek did, was calling his Solace.  
"Hey, my Noir Hero. I'm having a walk with Clooney, everything's good?"  
Derek sighed and let himself fall down on the comfortable bed.  
"I'm good Penelope, like all the times before," he answered, more grumpy than he wanted to.  
"I'm sorry, it's just that I'm worried about you," she answered in defeat. Derek sighed again, feeling sad about his odd behavior.  
"No. I'm sorry Baby Girl. I'm just stressed out, the case is a bad one, and we have no clue until now about the UnSub." He just wanted to go home, so badly.  
"It's alright, I'm not taking it personally, you know that."  
He nodded and cracked a half-smile.  
"So how's Clooney doing?"  
"He's doing just fine...," Penelope began. They talked for almost two hours. Derek mostly listened to her, and with her voice in his ear, he finally fell asleep.

 

* * *

* * *

 

Penelope talked to Derek until she heard his breathing getting more profound. Not long after she heard soft snoring from the other side of the phone and knew, Derek finally was asleep. Penelope didn't need to see him, to comprehend that he was far from being good. But at least Derek called Penelope and accepted her being with him during whatever he was going through. Honestly, Penelope hated seeing him suffer, but at least he kept going and let her be at his side.  
Maybe, Penelope would find a way to show him he could trust her. Tell her what was bothering him. There was nothing that would stop her from being with him. She loved Derek Morgan too much. Slowly, she walked back to Derek's house. Penelope fed Clooney and made some dinner for herself, he cellphone not far away. Just in case.  
But Derek didn't call again and later that night, Penelope went to bed.  
In the middle of the night, her cell began to ring, and Penelope almost jumped out of bed. She grabbed the phone, looked at the display just to see Derek's handsome face. She answered the call immediately.  
"Hey, Hot Stuff."  
"Baby Girl...," Derek murmured, his voice still thick with sleep. But there was something else in there which made Penelope worry. Fear. He was breathing heavily like he was about to hyperventilate. As if he was about to get a full-grown panic-attack at every moment.  
"What's wrong, Handsome?" She asked, trying to stay as calm as possible.  
"I'm sorry you must've slept already." He seemed so distant as if he was still stuck in the nightmare she was sure he'd awoken from.  
"Oh I don't bother, what do you need?"  
"You. Your voice...Baby Girl I'm sorry," he replied, his breath coming in short gasps. Penelope's heart broke for him yet again. His voice appeared so fragile, she wished she was with him right now.  
"Hey, can you do me a favor? Can you listen to my breathing and mirror it?"  
He murmured something under his breath, not able to say something more, and for the next minutes, Penelope helped him, to calm down his breathing. He was struggling a few times, Penelope even thought about calling an ambulance, but somehow they managed it on their own.  
"Better now, Hot Stuff?"  
"Better...," he answered in an exhausted voice. Penelope wished to be with him right now so she could wrap her arms around him, telling him, everything would be okay somehow. Little did she know that things were about to get worse before it would be better.  
"I'm right here, Hot Stuff. We can talk for the rest of the night if you want to." Penelope just hoped he would talk to her, tell her what was wrong. But somehow she knew he wasn't ready yet.  
"Thank you."  
His voice, barely a whisper seemed to lose all the sparkle that was just Derek Morgan. She worried so much about him, tears were fighting to get released, but instead, she concentrated on the man at the other line of the phone.  
"When you're back, we could work on that beautiful house you've bought, what do you think? I have some ideas for the kitchen, and I really want to show you."  
"Sound's good."  
She talked to him for another while until she felt he was more relaxed than before.  
"You wanna try again to get some sleep?" Penelope asked him when she heard him stifling a yawn. "You'll need your rest, Handsome."  
"Yeah. I'll give it another try," Derek answered. "Baby Girl?"  
"Yes?" Penelope listened to Derek's breathing. She almost thought he'd fallen asleep before he could tell her what he wanted to say.  
"Thank you for everything you're doing. I couldn't make it without you." He was struggling with his words, but yet, Penelope smiled at his words.  
"There's nothing, I repeat, nothing I would love to do more. I'll be at your side, my beloved Noir Hero. Don't you dare forget that."  
Penelope could almost hear the smile in his voice as he answered again.  
"I won't, and just in case I do, you'll remembering me every time I need it, deal?"  
"Deal!"  
They hung up. Relieved, Penelope placed her phone on the nightstand and petted Clooney before she almost immediately fell to sleep again.  
The case took them five days in Florida until they finally found the UnSub. Five more victims until then. Every woman raped and murdered without remorse. Now the team was on the flight home, and Penelope couldn't wait to see them all, but especially Derek. He'd been more and more dismissive when they'd been talking over the past few days. JJ had told Penelope that he'd been moody all the time, that he'd been bickering with Hotch yesterday. Derek hadn't talked much to the team since then, but apparently, something was wrong, they all had seen it. JJ even told her that Derek looked like he hadn't had much sleep the last days.  
Penelope knew it, Derek had called her every night, panicking more and more with every passing day. Penelope was worried about her best friend she loved for years now. He was crumbling right in front of her, and she didn't know how to stop it if he wouldn't talk to her.  
The doors of the elevator opened a few hours later, revealing a tired team around Aaron Hotchner. Penelope hugged each and every one of them, like every time they came home from a case. Derek, like always was the last one to embrace. He looked off and exhausted. Again, Penelope's heart broke a little bit more for him. She had to find a way to help him. No matter what.  
Penelope pulled Derek in a tender embrace, wrapping her arms around his neck to hold him close. He stiffened at the contact but just for a few moments until he melted into her arms, wrapping his own around her waist.  
"Let's go home, Handsome," she whispered into his ears, receiving a nod in response.  
She pulled out of his arms and looked at him. He held her gaze before he averted his eyes only a moment later. Sighing silently, Penelope took his hand, and together they left the BAU and headed to their cars. Penelope was hard-headed enough to convince him to drive with her. Derek gave in and fell asleep almost immediately as soon as Penelope had started her car.  
They reached Derek's home 15 minutes later. Derek greeted his dog before he headed to the bathroom to take a shower. Only a few minutes later, Penelope heard the door to his bedroom getting closed.  
"He needs his sleep now," she told Clooney, who was giving her his full attention. "We'll be here when he wakes up!"

 


	5. Chapter 5

He tried to sleep.   
Honestly.   
But Derek was afraid of getting caught in a nightmare once again. It had happened every night since that case a week ago, and Derek couldn't take much more. He didn't want to get reminded of his past. Derek had buried all these memories somewhere in his brain, and now, everything, he'd never spoken about was forcing his way out. Derek struggled like never in his life. His eyes were tired, his whole body exhausted from tossing and turning around in the hotel bed. From panicking in the middle of the night. He felt dejected for waking Penelope every night one or two times. But he couldn't help himself anymore. Every time he'd awoken from his nightmares, he'd felt like unable to breathe, but Penelope had been able to pull him through. Derek knew he needed to talk about what had happened in his past, but he was so afraid, what his team, especially Penelope, would think about him.   
He didn't want to be a victim.   
He didn't want to be weak.  
Derek was strong, undoubtedly the strongest out of all of them. If they knew...he couldn't bare seeing the pity in their eyes. Derek didn't want them to feel sorry for him.   
He was ashamed of letting Carl do what he'd done, for not saying a word.   
For not stopping the much older man.   
Derek hated his body, maybe himself too.  
He thought about talking to Penelope. Deep inside him, Derek knew she would understand him, maybe be able to help him through his struggle. He trusted her more than anyone. But would he be able to tell her about things that lay twenty years in the past? Derek sighed. He so badly wanted someone to help him.   
Needed help.   
If it were just that easy.  
With closed eyes, he lay in his bed, trying to fight against memories, which, once again, were forcing themselves into his mind. Buford telling him to look up in the sky, his molester touching him everywhere Derek didn't want to feel Carl's hands on him.  
When he heard the door to his bedroom getting opened, Derek already was stuck in a daydream, including Carl Buford. His whole body tensed up at the sound of a closing door. Soon, Carl would force him to drink more Jesus Juice, would force Derek to do more of these kinky things that hurt so much. He didn't want it, he wanted to go home to his mom, his safe haven. Tears began to stream down his face.  
"Please," he begged silently, hoping that Carl would, for the first time, listen to his pleas.  
"Please don't, Carl," he whispered again, making himself as small as possible in the bed, which Derek thought was his bed in the cabin from twenty years ago.  
"Baby? Derek?"  
The mattress shifted beside him. Derek stirred when he heard a familiar female voice.   
It wasn't Carl he was with.   
It was her.   
His Solace.  
Derek was safe.  
"Hey, Baby Boy, are you awake?"  
Derek slowly nodded, relaxing somewhat before he opened his eyes. Tears still were streaming down his face, he felt so fragile, so vulnerable.  
Penelope softly smiled at him. "May I touch you, Handsome, or don't you want to get touched?"  
She reached her hand out to him, and without hesitation, Derek slid his hand into hers. He craved her touch more than anything at this moment. Penelope somehow was able to calm him within seconds. And, like always, she just knew when he needed her most. Where their skin touched, he suddenly felt warm again, safe at her side. Derek understood now that he couldn't fight on his own, he needed a teammate to get past his memories of Carl Buford. Derek decided to try and tell her...he so badly wanted her to help him.  
Penelope lay down beside him, so she was able to face him. One hand still in his, she lifted her other to tenderly caress his yet wet cheek. Derek hadn't cried that much in almost twenty years, but he couldn't stop the tears from falling, he just couldn't.  
"Baby, please talk to me. You make me worry to no end, I can't see you suffering like this," she whispered, her own tears now glistening in her eyes. Derek couldn't see her like this, she shouldn't be hurt because of him. He loved her with all his being. Not that Derek was worthy of her. Penelope shouldn't feel like this because of what he was going through.  
"It's getting better, I promise, Baby Girl," he answered, his voice cracking. Derek wanted to be strong, just for this moment, but failed immediately. He tried against his decision to calm her down, but even in his exhausted state, he could see she didn't take only one word, he said.  
"It's not getting better, and you know it, Derek. It's getting worse, and I really want to help you, but I don't know how."  
Derek closed his eyes at her words. He knew she was watching him, and she wouldn't give up for now. Derek hadn't the strength to fight against it.  
"Is it because of this name you mentioned in your dream? Carl?"  
His whole body stiffened at this name. He hadn't realized that he had been talking while he was daydreaming. This was his chance. But suddenly, he felt like he was bathing in ice, Derek began to tremble slightly as he exhaled a shuddering breath.  
"Penelope...please..."  
"No, Derek. You've had a whole week, and it's not getting better. You said you trust me, prove it."  
Derek opened his eyes again and observed the woman in front of him. She was watching him full of concern and love. A love he didn't deserve. Love, she wouldn't feel for him anymore if she knew.  
"I can't, Penelope, you'll be disgusted."  
"Hey Handsome, let this decision be mine, alright? I told you the whole week that I won't leave you, no matter what you tell me. Derek...," suddenly, he saw fear in her eyes, she wanted to say something but seemed unsure of what he would say.  
"Spill it, Baby Girl." He was glad about the distraction, but Penelope sensed his effort to distract her and shook her head.  
"You first Mr. Hot and Sexy. I promise, nothing can make me run away from you right now AND in the future."  
Fear began to rise in his gut. She wouldn't let him be. Not this time.   
"Baby Girl..." he tried to pull away from her, but Penelope was faster and wrapped her arm around his waist to hold him in place.  
"You don't have to look at me, while you're telling me what's bothering you, but don't pull away, please."  
She was so patient with him. So loving. Fresh tears were burning in his eyes. Derek cradled her to his chest and held on her for dear life.   
Derek didn't deserve her. She was so perfect and needed to be treated like the goddess she was. He couldn't do that, but he would prove her he trusted her. A few times, he started to talk, but the words wouldn't leave his mouth as if he was unable to speak. But somehow, he regained the last bit of strength he had and started.  
"Carl..." he slowly began, looking at the ceiling as Penelope placed her head on his chest.  
"He led the Youth Center my mom brought me to when I was thirteen. I kind of wasn't dealing well with my dad's death three years before. I had trouble with the police day after day and was struggling. It wasn't easy for my mom. She had to be mom and dad for me and my two sisters. She was working almost every day. And I was just out of control, I think."  
Penelope listened to him, slowly stroking soothing circles over his chest where her hand was placed. Derek sighed and tried to tell everything that had happened to him. It wasn't easy to begin after the first sentences he'd managed to say to her.  
"Carl showed me how to put my anger out on football. He was the trainer of our team, and you could say he was a good one. Quickly, I became one of the best players on the team. I started going back to school regularly, and my trouble with the police became less with every passing month. Honestly, I trusted this man with everything I had." He swallowed hard, trying to stay in control, but what was coming now, wasn't easy. It was honestly the hardest thing he'd ever had to say. Derek felt dirty and unworthy, filthy just at the thought of Carl touching his bare skin. To talk about these things seemed almost unbearable, but somehow it worked.  
"Carl, he brought me to a cabin in the woods. There was a lake, where we would go fishing...." he swallowed hard, his whole body again was trembling. But Penelope held onto him, she once more, was his rock and grounded him. He held on to her for dear life as if he would lose everything if he loosened his grip on her.  
"Baby Girl..."  
"It's alright, I'm right here, Derek, I won't leave you," she whispered. Derek nodded and closed his eyes for a second, just to see the face of Carl Buford. Immediately he opened his eyes again. His view was blurry, Derek felt like he would fall apart every second. But now, that he'd started talking, he couldn't stop it.  
"Carl made me drink sweet, cheap wine, and...I trusted him and was...." Derek inhaled and exhaled, trying not to panic again. Penelope lifted her hand and softly caressed his cheek. Derek leaned into her touch, he needed her more than anything.  
"He used to molest me."  
There it was. For the very first time in Derek's life, he had said these words aloud. He felt cold and warm at the same time, tensing at his own words, not feeling anything more than Carl's hands all over him.

* * *

* * *

Penelope had called her bigger brother while Derek was upstairs, asleep. She needed advice, and who was better than her big brother?   
So, she dialed his number and waited for him to respond.  
"Hey, little sister, what's wrong?" Carlos, the oldest of her four stepbrothers, greeted her.  
"I really need your help, Carlos," she began and told him about Derek's behavior for the next thirty minutes.  
"I don't know how to help him anymore. You are a therapist, you know what to do, don't you?" Carlos had his own doctor's office, even his own staff, and he was outstanding in his job. Penelope knew it all too well because he'd helped her many times in her life.  
"That's difficult, Penelope. If he doesn't want to talk, you cannot force him. But I agree with you, whatever it is, your boyfriend has to spit it out, the sooner, the better."  
"Carlos, he isn't my boyfriend. But more importantly, what can I do to show him he can trust me?"  
"Sorry little sister, you keep talking about Derek every time. It just made sense to me. Don't let him pull away, show him that you're there, no matter what, tell him. Be there with him until he realizes that he can tell you."  
Penelope listened to him, she wanted to make everything right with Derek so she would get him into talking.  
"Alright, thank you, Carlos. Can I call you again if I need help?"   
"Anytime, Penelope. But hey..."  
"Yeah?"  
"Tell him what you feel, little sister. Maybe it's what both of you need."  
"Carlos!"  
"Yes, Penelope?"  
She could almost see her big brother smirking right in front of her face. Penelope shook her head at this image but smiled.  
"Thank you."  
They ended the call, and Penelope did, what Carlos counseled her. And she was successful. Derek had told her, and Penelope was shocked beyond words.   
Her poor Baby Boy had been raped as a young boy. That was much worse than she'd imagined it. Penelope didn't know what to say. She somehow knew he didn't want to hear that she was sorry for him. Penelope had to make him feel better, she had to show him that nothing had changed for her. She even loved him more for the fact that he'd been brave enough to tell her.  
So, slowly, Penelope sat up a little bit, she wanted to look at him. Derek's whole body was tense, he averted his eyes and kept staring at the ceiling.  
"Hey, Baby," she slowly said, trying to get his attention. Penelope started caressing his cheek once more, and after a while, he looked at her. She'd never seen him like this, so much fear in his whole appearance, so vulnerable.  
"Thank you for telling me. See? I'm not going anywhere," she whispered and tilted her head to place a tender kiss on his cheek. "And I won't. I'm here."  
Derek slowly nodded, somewhat relaxing at Penelope's words.  
"I think I need a shower..." he answered, slowly mumbling. Derek appeared even more exhausted than before. He sat up very slowly.  
"Let me help you."   
He couldn't do it on his own now, Penelope realized. Derek was exhausted, physically, and emotionally. He just nodded, so Penelope left the bed and walked around it to stand in front of the handsome man she loved so much. She reached out her hands, and after Derek had risen to his feet, she walked him to the bathroom. He needed a prove, Penelope felt it, that nothing had changed between them and Penelope would show him. Penelope turned the water on before she helped him out of his clothes. With sloped shoulders, he stood in front of her, averting his eyes once again.  
Now, it was her turn, she undressed and took his hand and pulled him with her under the warm water.   
"Am I allowed to touch you, Handsome?" Penelope asked him. Just then, he snapped back in presence. He looked at her, and all she could see in his eyes was too much shame.  
Penelope cupped his cheeks with her hand and smiled at Derek.  
"I love you, Derek Morgan, you know that, right?"  
He slowly nodded, searching in her eyes for something she didn't know.   
"You'll forever be my Knight in shining armor, my Noir Hero, and I will do anything to help you feel better."  
Once again, tears were shining in his eyes, just like her own eyes as he nodded. He wrapped his arms around her, cradled her tight against his bare chest. Penelope didn't waste a second, she wrapped her own arms around his waist and snuggled against him as tightly as possible. It felt so natural being naked with him, they fitted perfectly against each other.  
"Thank you, Baby Girl, thank you for not letting me down," Derek whispered into her wet hair, but Penelope could hear him anyway.  
"I will never let you down, Baby Boy. Some things never change, and that is me, glued to your side as long as you need me, Handsome."


	6. Chapter 6

After the shower they had shared, Penelope helped Derek getting dressed again. He felt like he'd lost all his energy, was tired, and so exhausted. Derek never had thought that talking about the abuse in his past would drain him so much. But here he was, unable to do more than standing and letting Penelope guide him. Derek didn't even feel ashamed for being naked in front of his Baby Girl. Right now, he felt nothing.  
"Wanna try and get some rest, Handsome?" Penelope asked him. She sounded so far away, but he nodded anyway, Derek needed to rest he knew it, and right now he felt like sleep would come quickly.  
"Can you stay?" He asked her after a moment, entirely giving in to his weakness. Derek was emotionally drained, and right now, he needed his Solace at his side before she would realize that he wasn't worth it and run away.  
"Sure." She walked him to the bed and tugged him in before she walked to the other side of his bed and lay down beside him. He felt her cuddling against him, so he pulled her into his arms. Penelope placed her head on his chest, it was a calming gesture, sensing her close to him. Derek held her close as long as he was awake. He yawned and stared at the ceiling for a little while when he felt his lids becoming heavy. Soon, Derek closed his eyes, and for the first time for a week, he slept without a nightmare throughout the whole night.  
Waking up to the sun tickling his nose, Derek slowly opened his eyes. The comforting warmth on his chest was gone, so he slowly tilted his head to look if Penelope was still there. He found his bed empty.  
Staring at the bedside, Derek suddenly had a big lump in his throat. He knew Penelope would be gone by the morning, but seeing it with his own eyes made him feel sadder than he thought he could be. There was no reason for him to stand up, nothing made sense right now that Penelope wasn't here with him. Derek had trusted Penelope, and now she'd let him down. His view becoming blurry, he threw one arm over his eyes. Lost in his own thoughts, Derek didn't hear the door to his room getting open. Although he didn't overhear Penelope and Clooney silently walking into his bedroom. He tensed when the mattress beside him shifted, and Clooney began to lick his face.  
"Clooney, come on," Derek groaned and petted his dog with his other hand while he let his body relax somewhat.  
"That poor boy needed a walk and his breakfast."  
Penelope.  
Slowly, he moved his arm from his face to look at the smiling face of Penelope.  
"You're still here..." he murmured, not believing his own eyes.  
"Yes, I'm just awake for a while. It's almost midday," Penelope told him, smiling as she sat down beside him. "Why should I go anyway?" She took his hand in his, and Clooney lay down beside him, enjoying the closeness to his owner. Derek still petted his dog but kept looking at Penelope.  
"I thought you were gone," Derek told her honestly, averting his eyes. He should've known better, but his mental status wasn't the best this time.  
"I told you I wouldn't go, I made lunch for the two of us, you must be starving."  
"Honestly, I am starving." These words brought another smile to Penelope's face, and she squeezed his hand.  
"Then let's go, Hot Stuff!"  
He nodded and got out of bed as soon as Penelope made room for him. Derek still felt exhausted, but, to his surprise, he also felt a little bit better. Talking about his past had been hard, but maybe, he was allowed to heal now. He followed Penelope downstairs to the kitchen, where she'd already prepared their food.  
"Smells good," he said as he sat down in front of his plate. Penelope sat down beside him.  
"Thank you for this, my Chocolate, Adonis." Again she smiled at him, Derek wasn't able yet, to smile back but he would try. They ate in silence for several minutes.  
"Hey, what do you want to do today?" Penelope asked him as they ended their lunch.  
"I don't know, maybe have a walk or watch some movies. I don't care, honestly." Derek just cared about the fact of not being abandoned by Penelope. She acted like nothing had changed between them. Derek so badly wanted to believe that indeed, nothing had changed between the both of them. But knowing his secret must've changed something, Derek just couldn't trust the easy way, Penelope was talking to him.  
"What if we do both? We could grab some popcorn on our way," Penelope suggested. Derek nodded in agreement.  
"Sounds good to me, Baby Girl. Gotta get myself ready. We can have our walk then."  
"Alright, Baby Boy, I'll do the dishes while waiting for you."  
"You don't have to. You prepared our lunch already." Derek felt bad for not being able to help her much these past days, but he would make it up to her somehow. As soon as he would feel better.  
"Oh, but I want to, Handsome. You can take care of our dinner later if you like to."  
He nodded again and rose to his feet. "Sounds like a plan. I can do this, Goddess." Derek was relieved that Penelope didn't change her behavior until now. He just hoped she wouldn't be disgusted if she had a chance to think about his story twice. Derek wasn't worth her company. But he craved it like never before. She was his Solace, and thanks to her, he'd been able to sleep for the night. Penelope made him feel better. Still, Derek wasn't sure if telling his story to Penelope would make it better in the long-term. Deep inside, he knew he needed a therapist to talk to, but still, he was too proud to admit this fact. Derek changed into other clothes and brushed his teeth before heading back downstairs. One thing hadn't changed overnight was that still, he could barely look at himself in the big mirror.  
Coming back into the kitchen, he found Penelope humming while doing the dishes. She was standing with her back to him. He slowly walked behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist. Placing his chin on her shoulder, he closed his eyes, inhaled her scent for a second. Penelope leaned into him with a relaxed sigh.  
"There you are," she said silently, he could almost see her smiling through his closed eyes. "I already missed you, do you know that?"  
"No, I didn't know that, but I missed you too, Doll Face," he whispered, still holding her in his arms. Derek felt something stir inside him, the need to tell her about his feelings. But he couldn't. He wasn't worth it. Wasn't worth her love.

 

***

Penelope and Derek started to walk from his house to the next park. Derek took her hand as soon as they left his home. He held Clooney on the other hand, and together they sauntered towards the park.  
Penelope was beyond relief that Derek didn't pull away from her after telling her his secret. Penelope felt sorry for him having so many bad memories. Derek hadn't gone into detail, but Penelope didn't need them, for she knew precisely what Derek had meant. She shivered at the thoughts of the strong man beside her being molested in his youth after losing his dad. She leaned her head against his shoulder. Derek let go of her hand and wrapped his arm around her shoulder. Penelope could feel he wanted to have her close, just like she wanted it. She wrapped her arm around his waist, enjoying this walk with him. It felt so natural, she usually didn't walk like that with a friend. But Derek meant so much more to her. Yes, he was her best friend, but also the love of her life, and she would do anything to make him feel like himself again. Last night had been a big step for him, and she knew they needed to talk about it once more. Penelope had seen the fear in Derek's eyes when she'd found him awake earlier. He was afraid of losing her, but he wouldn't. Not because Derek was a victim of a child molester. And certainly not because he had a hard time.  
Arriving at the park, they bought themselves some ice cream and walked over to a place where Clooney was allowed to run around off-leash. Derek and Penelope sat down on a bench and watched the happy dog running around with other dogs.  
They ate their ice cream in silence and sat like this for a while longer. The sun was shining; it was a beautiful spring day. Just one of these days, Penelope loved so much. She sighed happily and closed her eyes. It had been the first night for her too after a week where she'd been able to sleep through the night without Derek having a panic attack.  
"You okay over there?" Derek asked her suddenly, which caused her to open her eyes again and look in his direction with a bright smile.  
"I'm absolutely alright, my Chocolate Adonis. But how about you, are you alright?"  
"I am. Honestly, it's better today," Derek answered truthfully. He didn't avert his eyes this time, but still, she could sense the shame in his eyes.  
"You know you don't have to be ashamed in front of me, don't you?" Penelope asked him. She smiled at him, wanting to show him that he didn't need to feel the way he did.  
"I know, but it's not easy. You're the first person I ever told about what happened between Carl and me," he answered silently. Penelope was shocked because of this, she thought at least his family would have known about it.  
"Not even your mom?" She asked. How hard must it have been to hide this story for more than 20 years? Penelope couldn't imagine.  
"No...she made me go to the Youth Center. She would have felt guilty, and I didn't want her to feel that just because of me...I'm not worth it at all."  
"But you are, Hot Stuff, you are more than worth it! It must've been so hard to hide this from your family." She tenderly took his hand in hers, to offer him some comfort as he nodded.  
"It was, but I can't talk to her about this. Not now that I'm struggling with those memories." Ignoring her first words, Derek just concentrated on how he couldn't talk to his mom and why.  
"Baby?"  
Derek, who was still looking at her, raise a brow.  
"You are worth it, don't think otherwise."  
She watched his struggle with emotion on his face while he remained silent. Derek didn't need to say something, now it was her turn, and he needed to understand what she meant.  
"I'm glad you told me about it. And honestly, it won't change anything. Oh well yeah, it will change a few things: I'm so proud of you. Still, you are the strongest person I know, and I hope, at one point, you can think about yourself in that way too."  
"There's nothing to be proud of, Penelope," Derek answered, almost in a whisper, this time averting his eyes.  
"It is Hot Stuff. You survived what that man did to you. You became stronger. You're here, you made it to the FBI. You always act in the right way, care about the people you love. That's something to be proud of."  
Derek still didn't look at her, but he kept listening, that was enough for now, Penelope found. He really didn't need to answer her.  
"Do you know how much I adore you, Derek Morgan?" Penelope asked suddenly, which caused Derek to look at her in surprise.  
"It's true. I do adore you more than words can say. And last night, you made the impossible thing happen, you made me love you even more."  
"Penelope..." Fear crossed Derek's face. Penelope could understand it, she just wanted him to know that.  
"I'm not finished. We don't have to change anything. But I need you to know, I'm here, I'm proud of you, I love you my Chocolate Thunder. I'm not going to run away, and I beg you not to pull away from me, not now or at any time in the future."  
She squeezed his hand and observed his handsome face. Derek's eyes were red-rimmed, filled with unshed tears. Penelope could see how much he was fighting against his emotions. But soon, he nodded and pulled her towards him. Derek wrapped his arms around her and cradled her to his chest. He placed a loving kiss on her forehead.  
"I love you too, Baby Girl. But right now, I'm can't cope with it. I want to make it right. You deserve so much more than I can give you," he whispered in a hoarse voice as he leaned his head on her shoulder.  
"I don't deserve better. You are what I want, Hot Stuff, and all I need," Penelope whispered back, feeling the need to tell him how important he was to her. Indeed, Derek Morgan meant the world to her.  
"I can wait as long as you need your time. But let me help you."  
"I need you, Baby Girl. Without you, I cannot make it," Derek admit and held her close to his body. "I want to make it right. Let's just, let's take it slow, alright?"  
Penelope wrapped her arms around his waist and nodded slightly.  
"All at your pace, Handsome. We have all the time, there's no need to rush into something you're not ready for."  
She understood all too well that Derek needed time, and she was more than willing to give him what he needed. But that moment...she'd just felt it had been the right time to tell her about his feelings. Derek had needed to hear he still was loved no matter what had happened to him in the past.


	7. Chapter 7

The next 6 month's passed by without unusual happenings. Derek slowly had found back to his usual self. He still hadn't talked to anyone but Penelope about his abuse but felt better than anytime before. Derek and Penelope spent a lot more time together since she'd told him she loved him. Penelope slept at his home mostly, and he liked it that way. Falling asleep with Penelope in his arms and waking up, all the same, was the best thing that ever had happened to Derek.  
Today, he was packing his clothes for a visit to Chicago. He would visit his Mom, for it was her birthday. Derek had asked Penelope to join him, but she wasn't allowed. She had to help team B during a case. Derek felt sad for not seeing her for a whole week. He'd gotten used to his Solace at his side. Derek loved her more than anything. Still, they hadn't shared their first kiss or gotten intimate with each other. Derek knew things like this were about to come, and it made him slightly nervous. He'd never shared a bed with a woman he'd loved. All the women, Derek had brought to his bed, had been a prove to him that he didn't like what Carl Buford had done to him. That he was normal.  
Never in his life, he'd made love to a woman.  
Honestly, it scared the shit out of him.  
So, perhaps, a few days apart from his Baby Girl wouldn't be that bad, even if he would miss her way too much. Derek needed some time to think. Still, he was fighting with the knowledge he had to go to a therapist at some point. Derek knew he needed to do that before he could entirely give into his relationship with Penelope. But he was scared. Didn't want to talk about these things anymore. Just wanted to forget them. This wasn't the right way, Derek knew that also. He had to face his inner demons.  
Finishing his packing, he closed his bag and walked downstairs, where Penelope and Clooney were waiting for him to come back.  
He smiled sadly at Penelope before he pulled her into his arms for one last hug.  
"I'm going to miss you, Baby Girl," he whispered as she wrapped her arms around his waist.  
"I'm going to miss you too, call me as soon as the plane hits the ground again, alright?"  
"I promise I'm going to do that." He placed a tender kiss on the top of her head and inhaled her scent, closing his eyes for a brief moment.  
"And whenever you need me..."  
"...I'm going to call you too." Derek ended his sentence with a smile. Penelope cared so much about him it with all her being. It was something he loved about her. "But you, Silly Girl, will do the same, promise me."  
"I do!" Smiling, Penelope tilted her head to look at him. Her eyes were full of love for him. He looked right back at her beautiful brown eyes, also smiling at her.  
"I know you will," he almost whispered. Derek so badly wanted to kiss her at that moment. And he could see it in Penelope's eyes that she just wanted the same.  
So, he tilted his head a little bit more in her direction. Their noses touched first, so softly, Derek almost hadn't felt it. He tilted his head even more and finally found her lips with his own. Derek kissed her slowly, tenderly. Penelope responded to the very first kiss, Derek had given her until now immediately. Her lips were so soft, it felt so good that Derek hugged her even tighter to his body. The urge to have her close to him was unbearable.  
Derek didn't know how long they stood together, kissing each other softly. But somehow they had to pull apart a bit in need of air. Derek put his forehead against Penelope's, closing his eyes for a moment.  
"That was awesome Hot Stuff," Penelope whispered after a moment. Her voice was full of joy. He could hear it, and that made him proud of himself for being brave enough to kiss Penelope.  
"Hell, it was," Derek admitted smiling. It had felt too good to be true. Still, Derek believed he didn't deserve her, but Penelope was so kind, so full of love for him that he just had to give in to his feelings.  
"I have to go..." he whispered weakly. Derek so badly wanted to stay at Penelope's side, but he knew, visiting his Mom and sisters would be good for him too.  
"You know that I'm going to miss you even more now, Handsome?" Penelope asked him before she put a soft kiss on his lips. She let go of him as soon as Derek had answered the kiss with a tenderly one of his own.  
"I know that Baby Girl, same here," he answered. "I love you," he added softly, earning a loving smile from the beautiful woman in front of him.  
"And I love you too! Come home safe, my love!"  
After one last goodbye kiss, Derek made his way to the airport, and a short time later, he met with his mom and sisters at the airport. Derek loved being around these three women and was glad. He'd been able to make it to his mother's birthday. Derek called Penelope, and they talked a few moments before he decided he wanted to go out, visiting some places that were special for him.  
And only a few hours later, Derek was in big trouble. He had been arrested in his mother's house for being the murderer of at least three innocent boys. He knew he wasn't guilty, but the Officer had always given Derek a hard time since the day Derek's dad had died, and he'd gotten into trouble.  
Calling Hotch and the rest of the team had been his only chance to not go to jail. Soong, he knew he would have to talk about his past. Knowing Carl Buford was near didn't make it easier for him. He needed to get out of that room as soon as possible. It was necessary for him to hear his Solce, her voice telling him everything would going to be alright. Derek knew she wasn't with the team, so the first thing he did was hiding in an apartment and dialed Penelope's number from the phone that was inside. He would have to stay there until it was dark before he could go out onto the streets again.  
She answered the call quickly, and Derek sighed in relief as soon as he heard her voice.  
"Garcia?"  
"Penelope..."  
"Oh my God..., Baby...I mean, are you alright? Hotch just called me, and I have to reveal your secrets from your youth, God Derek, I'm so sorry!" Her voice becoming very silent now and almost sounded as panicked like he felt.  
"I have to find out what happened...Penelope," he almost begged as he spoke. "I have to show them it wasn't me who killed the boys." That was a fucking nightmare. Derek could barely think. Gladly, Penelope was able to calm him within seconds just with her voice.  
"How can I help you, Handsome?" She asked, and Derek knew, she was sitting ready in front of her babies to do whatever he asked her to.  
"I have to talk to James..." he managed to answer somehow.  
"Do it, Baby."  
He nodded, not even realizing that Penelope wouldn't see it, but she was right. But he had some time, and Derek really needed his Solace. Derek sighed deeply and rubbed his face with his big palm.  
"Baby Girl?"  
"I'm here, Hot Stuff."  
"Can you talk to me? I need..."  
And like always, Penelope fully understood what he needed. She just kept talking to him. Derek listened to her voice and calmed down with every encouraging word Penelope spoke. He was sure he wouldn't remember any word she was telling him, but he also knew she was just talking, it wasn't anything important.  
"Thank you, Penelope," he said at some point, for he knew, he needed to go to talk to James.  
It wasn't easy, telling James that he, Derek Morgan, the man James was looking up to, had been molested too. But it was even harder to know that the same thing had happened to the young man in front of him. Derek always had thought he was the only one. Or at least, that had been his hope...now he knew better.  
Now Derek knew what he had to do. The only way to prove his innocence was to reveal his secret. If he wanted it or not. He had to.  
And he did.  
"Carl."  
Derek hated being in the same room as this man. But he had to talk to him. Carl looked up and quickly walked over to him.  
They faced each other for a long moment.  
Derek was brave. He faced his personal demon Carl Buford. Made Hotch and Gideon listen even if Derek was ashamed of being too weak to stop a man from molesting him.  
To stop the man from molesting many many children after him.  
Derek couldn't look his teammates in the eyes after that. Couldn't even talk to his mom or sisters. Derek just wanted to come home, he needed the arms of Penelope around him, comforting him, holding him.  
The flight home was silent. His mom tried to call him a few times. Somehow he gave in and answered it, telling her he was okay, promising her to call her as soon as he was home, so she knew he was safe.  
  


* * *

* * *

  
  
Impatiently, Penelope was waiting in front of the elevator. Like every time, she wanted to welcome her team home. But this time, it was different. She needed to see Derek, desired to know him home safe. Penelope had talked to Fran. Derek's mom didn't really know what exactly had happened, and Penelope hadn't told her. That was Derek's job to do so. However he'd managed it, he'd hidden his secret from his mom once again. Derek had told her, Hotch and Gideon knew, no one else. But she'd heard it in his voice it was enough to drive him on edge.  
The elevator doors opened a while later, revealing a tired team. Again, Penelope hugged each and every one of them, and like always, Derek was the last one to pull into her arms. He moved his arms around her waist, but it felt almost limp as he did so.  
"Let's get you home, Handsome," Penelope almost whispered, receiving a nod in response.  
She drove him home. The whole way, he didn't say a word, just kept looking out of the window. Penelope looked at him every here and then, concerned about his behavior. He'd done so good the past six months, and now she felt like he did a big step back.  
Penelope stopped the car, and both of them headed to his front door. As soon as she unlocked the door, both of them were greeted by Clooney, who was beaming with happiness to see Derek again. Derek patted his dog a moment until he headed upstairs to take a shower.  
Penelope looked after him before she decided to get them a light supper ready. It didn't take Derek long to come back downstairs. He was talking to his mom, telling her he was home and with Penelope. He walked to the freezer, grabbing himself a beer while he was talking.  
"I'm okay, Ma, really! I just had to leave so fast because the jet couldn't wait. I'm going to make it up to you, I promise.....yeah, I'm going to bring Penelope with me next time....alright...yeah Mom....listen I have to stop now, Penelope made some dinner, and I'm exhausted....yeah...I love you too, bye, Mom!"  
He hung up and sighed, put his cell on the table, and sat down wearily beside Penelope. Derek placed the half-empty beer bottle on the table.  
"Tired?" Penelope asked, making Derek jump out of his thoughts. "Sorry Handsome...I didn't want to..."  
"No, it's fine, Baby Girl...I'm the one who has to be sorry," he answered, gifting her with a small smile that didn't reach his eyes. Penelope put her hand over his and smiled at him, too.  
"It's alright...hey, let's eat and head to bed after? I think we could use some rest..."  
"Sound's good to me," Derek answered. And again, they ate in silence. Once again, Derek was somewhere else with his thoughts, and Penelope couldn't reach him. He had to start talking to her if she should help him.  
They also headed to bed in silence. In the past six month's Derek and Penelope had slept a lot together, and this time, Penelope wanted to be with her Hot Stuff, who indeed was struggling again.  
"You know you can talk to me," she whispered as soon as they laid in bed together.  
"I know, but I'm so tired, Baby Girl. I need a break."  
He looked at her with an apologizing face, searching for her hand. Penelope could see he wanted her in his arms, so she snuggled up against him, placing her head on his chest like many times before. Derek pulled her into his arms, holding her firmly and placed a kiss on the top of her head.  
"Thank you for sticking with me, Baby Girl," he whispered. His voice was full of emotions that fought their way out.  
"I'm here Handsome, like always. I'm not running away, never."  
"Hotch wants me to talk to someone about....about this."  
Still, he couldn't speak it out loud. Penelope didn't blame him for that. She didn't know how she would feel if something like that had happened to her, but what Penelope knew was that Hotch was right.  
She opened her mouth to tell Derek so, but thought otherwise, decided to just listen to him.  
"I know I should...but how can I?" Derek asked as if he was talking to himself. "How should I tell a stranger what happened to me?"  
"Don't you think it's good to talk to a stranger?" Penelope asked him. "He or she doesn't know you, therapists are trained to talk about these things. No one will think you're weak. And I know you think you are that."  
"But it was...I was...am...whatever," Derek sighed, slowly caressing her upper arm. He was struggling, and if he didn't talk, Penelope was sure the nightmares and flashbacks would force themselves back into his mind again.  
"It's not. But I'm not the right person to tell you. Maybe...I mean, it's just a suggestion, and you don't have to do it because if you think it's too close or you don't have enough trust..." Penelope began to talk faster, but Derek stopped her, putting one finger to her lips.  
"Stop it, Baby Girl, what do you want to suggest?" He asked her, looking at her. His face was almost emotionless, and Penelope realized she was overwhelming him.  
"Okay, sorry. I wanted to tell you that my bigger brother, Carlos, is a therapist. Mayber...just maybe you could try and talk to him?"  
Silence. That was what she received, and she waited for a long time before Derek said something.  
"Did you talk to him about that? About me?" He asked her.  
"No! I mean, I didn't talk to him about your past. I just asked him how to help you, Hot Stuff. I didn't know what to do and needed help. And it did help..."  
But Penelope couldn't end her sentence anymore because Derek released her out of his arms, sitting up on his bedside.  
"Please go, Penelope."  
"What?"  
"Go...I didn't want you to talk about me with your brother. I trusted you."  
"Derek! I didn't tell him what happened, I just asked him how to help you."  
"I didn't want you to do that either!" He was angry with her, Penelope couldn't believe that.  
"Are you getting crazy now? What did I do wrong?"  
"You...I trusted you, and I didn't want you to talk to anyone about me....please, just go now."  
Penelope moved out of the bed. She looked at him in shock.  
"Are you sure about that?"  
"Yes..." his voice almost cracked, but he didn't look at her. "Just go and leave me alone."  
Penelope stared at him for a moment longer. But then she pulled herself together and did what Derek asked her to. She put on her clothes and left the bedroom without another word. Penelope grabbed her purse and left his house, unsuccessfully hiding her tears. But before she did, she placed a note with Carlos' number on his kitchen table.


	8. Chapter 8

When the door to his bedroom was shut closed, and Penelope clearly wasn't in the same room with him anymore, Derek felt worse than ever in his life. Penelope had just wanted to help him, she hadn't told her brother anything, but still, he'd been too angry and had thrown her out. Feeling utterly alone suddenly, Derek realized what he'd done.  
How could he?  
He was such a goddamn fool!  
Derek rose to his feet and wanted to follow her, but when he opened his door to the bedroom, Derek could hear Penelope's car getting started. She was gone.  
He pushed away his Solace for no reason. Hell, Derek Morgan was such a jackass!  
Groaning, he didn't know what to do. He couldn't follow Penelope, she wouldn't talk to him anyway. Derek could only imagine how much he must have hurt her.  
So, he did what he was good at: he walked downstairs and poured himself a drink. He grabbed both the glass and the bottle and walked over to the living room, suddenly not tired anymore. Unwieldy, Derek sat down on the couch and drowned the first glassful in one gulp.  
Derek felt like shit, and he knew he deserved it. The bottle was emptied very fast, and soon, Derek found himself texting Hotch he was sick and would go to a doctor in the morning.  
Derek couldn't face Penelope or anyone else right now.  
Clumsily, he rose back to his feet at some point in the early morning hours and staggered on unsteady feet upstairs to his bed. When he would be awake again, things would be different. At least he was hoping.  
But they weren't.  
Derek still felt like shit when he woke up in the early afternoon. Nightmares had haunted him. Buford had appeared in his dreams once more, so he hadn't been able to rest. At some point, he must have fallen asleep for a few hours, because the moment he checked his cell, Derek realized he had many missed calls from Hotch...and one from Penelope.  
Derek sighed and slowly sat up. What he needed most was to hear her voice. Derek knew an apology was necessary for his lousy behavior yesterday, but right now, he wasn't ready. Just couldn't face her.  
He called Hotch for a minute, telling him he would be sick for the whole week. Derek knew Hotch didn't believe him, but his boss told him to take the time he would need. Derek was relieved, Hotch didn't ask for more, he wouldn't have been able to answer questions right now.  
Pacing around his house for a while, Derek fed Clooney and left the door to the garden open for his dog. Derek had to take care of the only company that was left for him.  
He then took a quick shower, and after he was dressed, he headed to the next bar. Flirting and drinking was something he could do, something he was good at.  
And that was what he was doing for the next few days. He kept drinking and brought women to his home. But he wasn't able to fuck them. Just couldn't. All the time, since he'd talked to Carl, the man filled his thoughts, telling him to look up into the sky.  
"You like it, Derek, just as much as I do, see?" Derek felt Carl's hands all over his body every time he was awake or not nearly as drunk as he wanted to be.  
Anytime he wanted, really wanted to just have meaningless sex, just to prove himself he did never like what Buford did to him, Penelope's face appeared in front of him. He realized then, he couldn't betray her. Derek had already hurt her so much, he couldn't do that.  
Never.  
She'd called him several times during the last days, but instead of talking to her, he kept running away. Kept doing more and more stupid things.  
Derek didn't know if he was sober at one point since he'd thrown out Penelope. He didn't want to think about it either. Being drunk wasn't the right way to cope with his demons. Derek knew it. They were hunting him more if he was drunk, to be honest. But he couldn't stop it. Derek didn't know how to handle himself anymore. He'd never been that lost before.  
On an early Thursday morning, Derek staggered into his kitchen. It was then that he recognized the little message in Penelope's handwriting. It was her brother's number. He took the piece of paper and dialed it without thinking twice about it. Derek needed help, and right now, he felt able to ask for it.  
Derek pressed the call button and put his cell phone on speaker while he swayingly walked over to the couch.  
"Carlos Garcia?" A sleepy voice answered the call. "I hope this is important. It's four in the morning...," grumbling, the man told Derek, who just thought about Penelope, who too, wasn't an early bird.  
"It's Derek Morgan...," Derek answered after what felt like a lifetime. He was too drunk, he was mumbling and slurring, but Derek knew if he didn't talk to that man now, he would do it never.  
"Mr. Morgan....wait a sec, I just leave my bedroom so we can talk."  
Derek could hear the man opening and closing a door after a moment. He listened to him while he walked into another room, suddenly feeling like he'd lost his tongue.  
"So...what can I do for you?"  
"I need help..." Derek answered, slurring, fighting with his emotions. He couldn't handle them anymore, couldn't cope it all on his own.  
"I bet you do...where is my sister?"  
"I threw her out...it was a fault," mumbling, Derek somehow found the strength to tell Carlos what happened. What he did to Penelope and how wrong this decision had been.  
"Okay, right now, we can't do a lot, you're too drunk, and I want you to remember our first meeting. We meet this afternoon at 4pm. I call Penelope and tell her about it, just in case. Is it alright to ask her to come over to you?"  
"She's mad at me," Derek answered, slurring, drowning another glass of whiskey he must have left at some point during this week. "Why should she come?"  
"Because she loves you. I bet she isn't that mad at you as you think. Stay where you are. I call her, and she'll be there sooner than you think."  
Nodding, Derek, ended the call. He was afraid of seeing her again. He was mad at himself, why shouldn't she be mad at him?  
After many tries, he was able to rose to his feet again. Derek made his way swayingly to the kitchen, where he found himself another bottle of whiskey. He didn't waste time to get himself a glass, he drank the liquid right off the bottle. Knowing, Penelope would be here soon, made him nervous. He needed his Solace, but how could she forgive him?

 

* * *

* * *

 

"Whoever call's me this early in the morning, you better hope this is important!" Groaning, Penelope answered her cell, which was ringing way too early in the morning.  
"Hey, little sister. Your boyfriend just called me."  
"My who? Boyfriend...Don't tell me, Derek called you?"  
Suddenly, Penelope was fully awake. She had tried to call Derek several times during the last few days. She'd even been at his house to try and talk to him, but he hadn't been there.  
"What happened?"  
"He needs you, can you drive over to him? He's in a pretty bad state."  
"Sure...," Penelope was out of bed as fast as possible, looking out for her clothes, she'd thrown away in the evening.  
"He has an appointment with me this afternoon at 4pm. Take care that he's able to talk to me then, please. I think he has found the courage to get himself some help."  
"Sure, I'll do that. Oh my gosh, thank you, Carlos. I'll see you later then." Penelope threw away her cell and got dressed within seconds. Not caring about her hair or makeup, she grabbed her purse and cell phone and headed out of her apartment. Derek needed her, and she would be there for him.  
Penelope hadn't slept well these last few days. She had thought about Derek all the time, wondering how he was, what he was doing. The moment he'd called in sick for a whole week told her that he wasn't doing well. But he hadn't answered her calls, nor called her back. She knew he was angry at her, but right now, she would be there for him. Penelope didn't care if he would throw her out again later. She just wanted to be at his side, for she cared about him so much.  
It felt like hours to her until she finally parked Ester in front of Derek's house. Indeed, it had her taken only 20 minutes to arrive here. She'd never been this fast.  
Jumping out of the car, Penelope hurried to Derek's front door, searching for his keys in her purse. She found them and let herself in without ringing the doorbell.  
"Derek?" Penelope called out as soon as she stood in the hallway. Looking into the living room, Penelope saw the mess, Derek had created here, empty bottles and glasses.  
"Oh Baby Boy...," Penelope whispered in a tearful voice when she suddenly heard a sound from the kitchen. She hurried towards the sound and found Derek standing in the kitchen, steadying himself on the kitchen counter. He looked up just in time as she entered the room.  
"Handsome," Penelope whispered as she saw his red-rimmed eyes, the haunted expression on his face. Slowly, she closed the distance between them and put her hand on his muscular arm.  
"Baby Girl," Derek slurred, looking at her as if he'd seen a ghost. "You're here....," observing her, he placed one hand on her cheek. Derek was so unsteady on his feet that Penelope decided to steady him with putting her hands on his waist.  
"I'm here, I told you I wouldn't run away."  
Sadly she smiled at him, held him close while he watched her in disbelieve. "Hey, let's get you to bed, Hot Stuff, I heard, you have an appointment in the afternoon. You need some rest before."  
Derek closed his eyes for a moment, causing him to sway much more until he opened them again. He nodded and let her help him to his bed. Penelope helped him out of his clothes and tucked him in when he finally was lying in bed.  
"Will you be here later?" Derek managed to ask Penelope as she sat down beside him and cupped his cheek with her hand.  
"If you want me to, I'll be here," Penelope answered, softly caressing his cheek.  
"Please stay....I'm so sorry," Derek slurred, trying to focus on her face. "I'm a jackass..." he murmured, causing Penelope to smile a little.  
"You were, but that changes nothing Derek, I'll be here when you wake up, I promise." Penelope tilted her head and placed a tender kiss on his forehead. "Take a nap, Baby Boy, you need it."  
Nodding, Derek slowly closed his eyes. Penelope tenderly caressed his cheek for another while until she felt he was asleep. Carefully Penelope rose to her feet and left the bedroom, leaving the door open, just in case Derek would need her. She decided to take care of Clooney first. Seeing the whole mess in the living room and kitchen, Penelope also decided they would clean up this together later. Derek had to see what he'd done when he was sober.  
After she'd fed Clooney and had a walk with her most favorite dog, Penelope decided she would join Derek in his bed for a few hours. She set the alarm on her cell phone. Luckily, the whole team had a few days off, so she didn't have to call in sick for today.  
Walking upstairs, Penelope could already hear Derek tossing and turning around in his bed. When she entered his bedroom, she found him sweaty and panicked. With closed eyes, he was fighting something or someone. Penelope was sure it was Buford. So slowly, she made his way to Derek and sat down beside him, tenderly grabbing his hand.  
"It's alright, Baby Boy, no one's here, except you and me. You're safe here," she told him all so softly. Derek slowly calmed down at her touch and words. Opening his eyes for a few moments, he looked at her with the saddest expression. "I'm so sorry...," he mumbled, God he was struggling so much, Penelope felt so sorry for him, she almost couldn't handle seeing him suffer much more. He'd done so well the last six months, and now it was worse than ever before.  
"It's alright, Hot Stuff." With a soft smile, Penelope knew she had to stay strong for Derek. He needed her right now. So, she slowly rose to her feet and took her place on the other side of his bed. The spot she'd been laying so often these last six months. Penelope turned to her side to face the handsome man she loved so much. Derek was watching her with the saddest expression. He was ashamed of his behavior, of what had happened to him, but he shouldn't. Not in front of her. Penelope would show him that again and again and again.  
She didn't say much more, just snuggled to his side, wrapping her arm around his waist, like she'd done so many times before. Placing her head on her favorite spot on his chest, Penelope felt Derek wrapping his arm clumsily around her too.  
"Sleep, my Chocolate Adonis. We have a few more hours. Let's talk when you're sober...but you have to know that I'm not mad at you, alright?" She murmured because she felt Derek wanted to say something more. "I'm not leaving you, we fight this together like I promised you. We're in this together."  
"I don't deserve you," Derek slurred slowly, clearly overwhelmed of her words.  
"Don't say that. I love you, Derek Morgan, more than anything. You're struggling, but it'll be better with some time. I'm so proud that you called my brother for help," she whispered, slowly stroking loving circles around Derek's chest with her hand. "You deserve everything, I repeat everything. You're the best man I ever met. You deserve it."  
"Baby Girl...."  
Derek squeezed her tenderly, cradling her to his chest as if she was his life essence. It didn't take him long to drift off to sleep again. Penelope needed a moment longer, for she was watching over Derek, but he rested peacefully, holding her firmly in his arms.


	9. Chapter 9

Derek felt like he'd almost fallen asleep when he stirred awake by the sound of an alarm. Groaning, he tried to turn around on his side, to put the too loud noise off.  
"It's mine...," suddenly murmured a soft voice from his chest. It was then that Derek realized that Penelope's smooth, curvy body was snuggled to his side, that her arm still was wrapped firmly around his waist. Derek didn't open his eyes, he only nodded, realizing within a second, that he had the meanest headache ever. Penelope shifted a little in bed to put the alarm on her cell phone off.  
"We have to stand up, soon," she slowly told him in a silent voice, as she turned back to him. Derek slowly nodded again, he remembered everything he had done early in the morning and the past days. Hell, he was ashamed.  
"Yeah...sure," he answered, hoarsely, increasing the grip on Penelope, as she snuggled up to him again for at least a few minutes more. Derek was glad about the comfort she gave him, he was utterly afraid to talk to Penelope's brother and now, that he was soberer he could feel all the panic rising up in his gut. Preferably, he would let his eyes closed and not open them again until everything was over until he would feel better. But he wouldn't feel better if he didn't talk, that was a fact he could hardly accept.  
"Hey, look at me...please," so sweet, her voice in his ears, Derek couldn't resist bending his head to look at her beautiful face. Slowly, he opened his eyes. Met by a sad smile of hers, Derek couldn't stop himself from feeling better, even if it was just a little bit. Only Penelope could do that, it was her kind of magic she was working on him, and he was quite thankful for it. Her expression was tired, full of worry and without any makeup. Derek watched her for a moment longer until she finally began to speak with him.  
"It's going to be alright, Baby Boy. You're so brave to talk to my brother."  
Derek shook his head slowly, averting his eyes yet again to stare at the ceiling. He couldn't bare someone telling him this. Derek wasn't any of this. He was nothing more than a mess, a burden to anyone he knew.  
"There's nothing brave about it, Baby Girl. Look at me, I'm none of the things you see in me. Not strong, nor courageous or someone you should be proud of..."  
"Derek, you're struggling, it's usual to feel that way. And most of all, it's okay to struggle, it's okay to be weak. You have an awful time, and still, I'm proud. You are brave because you made the necessary step to call my bigger brother for help. You do this because you know you need it and to me, you still are the strongest person because you made it out of this. You survived. You are the most heroic man I knew, my Noir Hero, that'll never change."  
Derek listened to her, to every word she said. So badly he wanted to believe everything she said but he couldn't right now. Derek wanted to work, he also knew he had to. It wouldn't take Hotch much longer to make the therapy mandatory for him. Derek would get suspended if he wouldn't find a therapist, Hotch had made that more than evident on their last phone call. Even if Derek had been allowed to take his private time as long as he felt he needed it. But Derek wanted to make this step on his own. Despite everything that had happened, he still was unrepentant, even if he felt like he didn't deserve help nor the woman at his side.  
"Hey let's get ready. I'll drive you. I don't have to stay with you, but I don't think you're able to drive on your own."  
Derek nodded slowly, once again, still staring at the ceiling. How could she be so kind, so caringly? He'd done everything wrong and yet, here Penelope was, taking care of him once again.  
"You're right," he gave in without any argument. Derek wanted her to stay with him, needed her at his side. But could he require more from her? Penelope had done so much for him. He'd hurt her, Derek knew it, and still, Penelope hadn't abandoned him. She'd come back to him, just like she'd promised many times before. He truly craved for the strength he couldn't muster without her.  
"What do you want, Derek? Do you want me to leave when I brought you to my brother? Tell me...," she said then, slowly sitting up a little to look at him. "Anything is alright," her voice broke a little at these three words and Derek instantly knew she didn't mean them but would respect his decision anyway.  
"Stay, please. I...," Derek didn't know what to say more, he couldn't enunciate what he truly desired. Didn't want to be more of a burden than he already was to her. But yet again, Penelope surprised him with her kindness and tenderness.  
"Okay."  
Incredibly gentle, Penelope planted a kiss on his forehead and Derek, slowly closing his eyes, enjoyed this tender touch of her lips on his skin. God, how much he loved this woman. How could she actually choose him to be her love interest? Derek would never understand it. Penelope deserved so much better. And yet, here she was, giving him comfort and strength when needed. Hopefully, Derek would be able to make it up to her at any point.  
"Thank you," he murmured, fighting his tears from streaming down his face. Just for one time, Derek wanted to show a little strength, but he failed immediately.  
"It's alright Baby Boy, honestly. I told you many times that I'm glued to your side as long as you want me to. But now, we really have to get our butts out of bed, Handsome. You, Mister, need a shower and a strong cup of coffee mixed up with painkillers. We have a lot of work to do today."  
Nodding, Derek sat up in bed and cupped his face with both hands to stroke it one or two times, before he finally swung his legs out of bed. He took his time until his head stopped being dizzy before he stood up. Penelope joined him on the way to the bathroom.  
"Will you be okay in there?" She asked him, as she placed her hand on his muscular brown upper arm. Derek nodded.  
"I think so, Baby Girl." He looked at her for a moment and then, he just gave into his feelings and pulled her into his arms. Penelope was his strength, his God-Given-Solace. She wrapped her arms around his waist without hesitation and still, their bodies fit perfectly together like he remembered. Nothing had changed, it furthermore felt so good having her in his arms.  
"I'm so sorry, Penelope. So, so sorry." Derek mumbled as he held her close to his body.  
"I know you are Derek. Forgiven and forgotten. But don't do this ever again, alright?"  
"I won't...," bending his head to hide his face in her hair, he inhaled the scent he loved so much and pulled her even closer if this was possible. Penelope leaned her head against his chest. Derek heard her sighing happily.  
"Okay then don't worry about it anymore, alright?" Penelope begged him silently before she squeezed him softly. "Concentrate on getting better again."  
Derek weakly nodded, planting a soft kiss on the top of her head. "Alright, thank you Baby Girl."  
"You are more than welcome, Handsome." Penelope tilted her head to look at him with the purest smile. She meant what she said, Derek could see it written all over her face. It meant so much to him that he felt unable to say one more word. So he released her out of his arms to take his shower. Penelope headed downstairs to take care of Clooney and to prepare them a small breakfast before they would drive to Penelope's brother for Derek's first appointment.  
The drive to Penelope's brother was filled with silence. Derek, preoccupied with thoughts, almost didn't realize when Penelope stopped the car in front of a house after half an hour. He observed the house carefully until he felt Penelope's hand on his. Derek bent his head to look at her. He wasn't ready, but there was no way out of this. Derek had to be tough, had to fight once more in his life. For his life. Perhaps he needed the push to finally start talking, to allow him to get help.  
"Let's go inside, meet my brother," she said silently, causing Derek to nod.  
"Yeah...," he answered, tenderly squeezing her hand for a second. Together, Derek and Penelope left the car. He took her hand immediately while they sauntered to the front door. Derek felt his heart racing behind his chest, and it was the only thing he could also hear the moment, Penelope rang the doorbell. She squeezed his hand and gifted him with an encouraging smile. Penelope believed in him, he knew it. But Derek didn't trust himself, like the woman beside him. He had a lot of work to do.  
The door opened, revealing a nice looking guy, wearing used jeans and a flannel shirt. Carlos hadn't had much hair left on his head, he wore it short, also he had a three-day-old-beard. He didn't look like a usual therapist. Indeed, Carlos appeared like a guy from next door. A guy Derek would like if he were his neighbor. Immediately, he felt himself relax a little.  
"You must be Derek. Hi, my name is Carlos if you don't remember our phone call that morning, come in please."  
Carlos let them in, and Penelope led him into the living room where they sat down. Derek clung to Penelope's hand. He was sure her fingers would be numb when he finally was able to release her. But he couldn't stop it. Carlos followed them right behind and sat down on an armchair at the opposite of them.  
"Okay Derek, I can see you're nervous, but don't you worry. Today I just want us to get to know each other better. Preferably, without my beloved sister, but only if you're alright with it."  
Derek took a look at Penelope and nodded slowly. At least he would try. Penelope smiled and squeezed his hand for one last time.  
"I think your computers need some Penelope Garcia love then, I'm gonna go and run some check's on them," she said and left the room after she rose to her feet.  
Derek watched her, leaving the room but then focused on the man in front of him. He took a deep breath and tried to relax.  
"So, what do you want to know?"

 

* * *

* * *

 

Penelope had taken care of Carlos' computers. He was precisely the opposite of her, Carlos had a big talent to destroy anything including any technics, Penelope could think of. It was sometimes frustrating, seeing how he handled things she used to call her babies.  
So, she here and then took care of his stuff, made sure that his computers would have a long lasting life.  
After that, she'd walked into the kitchen to make herself comfortable with a cup of tea. She busied herself with reading the newspaper or playing games on her cell, because it took Derek and Carlos really long, indeed. But she couldn't care less. At least, Derek was talking, she could hear his muffled voice from her place in the kitchen.  
Penelope was so glad about it, she had to fight back her tears many times. Her feelings for Derek were so strong, she'd suffered with him every day since he'd began struggling with his past.  
It was almost evening, when the door to the kitchen finally opened, revealing two tired looking men. Derek with an exhausted, but a slightly relieved expression, Carlos with a kind smile on his face as they entered the kitchen.  
Penelope rose to her feet and in a beeline headed to Derek's side, she had the feeling he needed someone to steady her, and it was just like that. Derek leaned into her touch as soon as Penelope's arms were wrapped around his waist.  
"Alright, Derek and I will meet each other three times a week for the beginning. We'll work through this, I promise. We made a pretty good start today. But now get some rest, we'll see each other in two days again."  
"Okay, thank you, Carlos."  
Penelope smiled at her brother with the most thankful expression. She was beyond relief to know they would work Derek's problems out. Filled with hope, Penelope looked at the emotionally drained man beside her. Derek had some hard work to do. It would be an uphill struggle, but she felt like Derek would win.  
"Home with you guys. See you!" Planting a kiss on Penelope's cheek, her brother said goodbye to both of them and accompanied them to the front door.  
They left the house and took their seats in Penelope's car and drove home. Patiently, Penelope waited for Derek to tell her something, but he remained silent for a while. Observing him from the side, Penelope once more saw, how exhausted Derek appeared. It broke her heart every time, she saw him like this.  
"Baby Girl?"  
Full attentive when he finally spoke, Penelope bent her head a little in his direction.  
"Hot Stuff?"  
"I was thinking...," he began but remained silent once more. Penelope waited a moment before she asked.  
"About?"  
"How grateful I am." He lifted his hand to place it lightly on hers. Every movement of his was weighted down with weariness. Apparently, the conversation with Carlos had been exhausting for Derek. But he squeezed her hand as tenderly as she remembered him doing this. "Your brother is a good guy. He won't judge me, just like you. Baby Girl thank you for asking me to go to him. It was one of the best things you ever did to me, besides being the gorgeous woman that you are."  
Penelope felt tears of relief streaming down her cheeks as she listened to him. Finally, she could feel him having hope again, and that was more than she could have asked for after the first appointment with her brother.  
"I still think that I don't deserve you, you do so much to help me. I can never make it up to you, but I promise. Every day of my life I will appreciate what you do to me. You are my God-Given-Solace, Baby Girl and I love you so much. Thank you for believing in me, while I'm not able to do so."  
"Derek...," Penelope whispered tearfully. The need to tell him, he was worth it so prominent.  
"It's okay, I know what you want to say, and at some point, I can believe it too. But right now, Baby Girl I just want you to know that I'm trying to make it up to you, I will work hard to become the man you deserve."


	10. Chapter 10

**Six weeks later, Friday afternoon**  
Derek went to therapy three times a week, had told Hotch about his appointments too. Hotch was pleased with Derek's movement on getting a therapist but additionally had determined that Derek would have to stay put until Carlos would give him the permission to go entirely back to work. Derek wasn't pleased with Hotch's determination, he so badly wanted to go back to the field. Deep inside him, Derek knew that Hotch was right. Derek didn't trust himself too in making the right judgments. So, he stayed in Quantico, together with his Solace to catch up on some paperwork or to assist her with anything she demanded to get done while doing analyses for the team. The rest of the team, sans Hotch, Gideon and Penelope still didn't know what his absence was about. Derek couldn't tell them yet. Furthermore, he thought, he'd been weak for letting Carl Buford molesting him.  
Therapy, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday constantly was a big struggle for him. Derek had to fight hard to be entirely able to trust Carlos.  
It wasn't comfortable in no way for him to fight this barricades down, he'd raised up through so many years. But Penelope supported him every single day with her kindness and tenderness. Derek couldn't be more grateful for having her around him. She accompanied him every time, he would go to the therapy, patiently waiting for him, while he tried to talk about his experiences as a child.  
Derek fought so hard to get his former life back.  
Even if he knew, he was on the right path, Derek still had many nightmares and struggled very often. Too frequently for his taste.  
But never, since the day, he had thrown Penelope out of his house, Derek had let down his Baby Girl again. She was giving Derek the strength, he didn't have, she was his God-Given-Solace, grounding him, making him feel better. Derek didn't know how he would be able to go through all these memories again without Penelope. No matter how often he would wake up in the night, Penelope continuously would be there, soothing him down, helping him to come to rest again with words and ginger touchings if he could bear, getting touched.  
Furthermore, Derek hadn't made a move on his favorite and so precious love of his life. He wanted to be all cleared the day he would thoroughly admit into his feelings to Penelope. Derek loved her more than any woman he'd ever met, but she deserved him at his full strength not in the vulnerable situation he was in. He hadn't even kissed her once more since the day, he'd traveled to his mom's birthday. Derek so badly wanted to be the man he used to be, he perceived it wasn't easy for Penelope as well. Three or four times a week he would wake her up in the night, yelling or struggling against Buford. Somehow, she endured everything without losing her joyfulness or her kindness. She'd entirely moved into his home at some point, to take care of him and Clooney, whenever she was needed. Derek just had been glad to have her nearby. She made things more comfortable for him. He would never be able to make it up to her at any point and knew he didn't deserve her. But Derek was craving the comfort she was giving him. He trusted her completely in every possible way.  
Derek had never been that glad to have the weekend off. He was exhausted after his appointment with Carlos. Two hours of talking about his abuse continually brought him on edge.  
"I'm very proud of you Derek, we're making progress," Carlos told him almost at the end of their Friday's session. "Is there something else you want to talk about?"  
Derek, mentally exhausted, nodded a little bit. He needed to know if it was usual, that Derek felt like he couldn't touch Penelope, that he couldn't bear her touches that good as before.  
"It's about your stepsister...," he began, and Carlos nodded, giving Derek his full attention.  
"It's...since I started this therapy. I just can't bear getting touched anymore. I know I irritate Penelope. I see it even if she doesn't admit it. It's like...I feel unworthy, dirty. But...," he stopped, unable to say much more, he couldn't put it into words, even if it was all so simple: Derek was craving to get touched by her, he desired to enjoy, holding her delicate body in his arms. But most importantly, he wanted to give Penelope more than he could actually give her.  
"But you want to have her close?" Carlos asked him, causing Derek to nod in agreement.  
"Yes," he answered, leaning his exhausted form more into the pillows of Carlos couch, stifling a yawn.  
"Okay, it's simple to explain, but like everything, it will take some time to get back to normal, Derek. First of all, tell Penelope how you feel. If the people around you know, what you're going through, it's easier to not get too frustrated. We both know, she's supporting you, but every person has its limit, it's entirely human."  
Derek slowly bowed his head in understanding. He wasn't a great talker, but for Penelope, he would do it. Derek couldn't lose her.  
"Second thing, I think you associate her touches to your nightmares or flashbacks you're experiencing. It's pretty typical to have all these things throughout a therapy like this. Penelope attempts to comfort you with touches because it helped you. But at some point she might become been too unexpected touching you, you might have still been captured in the torture of your past and related her touches to your molester. Just try every day to reach out to her when you're awake. Take her hand, give her a hug or whatever you feel you can endure. Try it at least three times a day until it becomes natural to touch her, then you'll feel more comfortable again, and her touches will give you the comfort back you're used to."  
Derek listened attentively to Carlos' introductions. He wanted to make sure to not misremember anything the man was telling him. Over the last six weeks, Carlos had supported him that much, Derek gradually began to trust that man in front of him.  
"Alright, I'll work on it," he answered after a moment.  
"Good, tell me how it had worked on our next appointment on Monday. For now, I think, we're finished. You're exhausted, and we've talked a lot longer than I was expecting."  
"Thanks, man, I'm genuinely exhausted today," Derek answered honestly as he rose to his feet. Commonly they stepped to the kitchen, where Penelope was waiting for them, knitting.  
"Hiya guys," she said, all smiles as soon as Derek and Carlos had opened the door.  
"Let's get home?" Derek asked her, putting on his jacket.  
"Sure thing Handsome! I can't wait for the weekend to come," Penelope answered, while she put all her personals into her bag and stepped over to her brother to give him a big, loving embrace. Derek observed them, so badly wanting to be in the position of getting hugged. As tired as he was, Derek would talk to Penelope as soon as they were home.  
They said their goodbyes to Carlos and headed home, only stopping at Penelope's preferred Chinese, for both of them were starving after a particularly long-drawn day.  
Once at his place, they decided to have supper in the living room, together with a movie.  
"Do you choose the film? I'll bring the cutlery and some drinks," Derek submitted, which caused Penelope to nod in agreement.  
"Alright my Chocolate God of Thunder, your wish is my command," she replied, reaching out to give him a quick hug, but stopped immediately. "Uh...I'm sorry," she said quickly, putting a fake smile on her beautiful lips, colored in a deep red. She hastily turned around, busying herself, but Derek stopped her. He tenderly grabbed her hand with his much bigger palm.  
"No, wait, Baby Girl," he said silently. Penelope stopped dead in her tracks.  
"We have to hurry, or our food will get cold," she responded weakly. Derek wasn't a fool, he could hear how hard she was fighting back her tears. Slowly, Derek walked around her, to stand in front of her. Penelope didn't glance at him, but from his view, Derek flawlessly could see her red-rimmed eyes.  
"I don't mind...Penelope, can you look at me for a moment?" Derek asked her mildly. He was nervous about telling her about his feelings, but Penelope deserved it. She was grieving the loss of contact with him, and Derek didn't want to see Penelope like this. All so slowly, Penelope tilted her head. Her sad eyes met his, and suddenly, Derek had to fight back his own tears.  
"I'm so sorry, Penelope," he told her in a raspy voice. "Don't ever think I don't crave for you to touch me, Baby Girl," he began. Derek had to stop numerous times. Like always, he was struggling with all the emotions welling up inside him. Derek couldn't handle them all too well, but he managed to say what he wanted her to understand.  
"I'm craving for your touch, but every time, you touch me, all of a sudden I feel so dirty, unworthy."  
"Derek...,"  
He smiled at her, carefully putting his index finger on her lips to stop Penelope from talking. Derek exactly knew what Penelope wanted to tell him, but first off, he needed to get rid of the things he wanted to say.  
"My turn, Baby Girl. I don't know if I ever am able to tell you what I want to, so don't stop me."  
Penelope nodded and then listened attentively to Derek's words.  
"I talked to your brother about it, and he gave me some pieces of advice to make it better again. I don't want to feel this way. Honestly, I want you as nearby as imaginable when you're around. I feel so sorry for not being able to give you what you want, what you deserve. Carlos told me there is one thing I can do. He said I should touch you at least three times a day, fully aware of what I'm doing. And I want to try this. But I have to beg you, if I'm struggling with another nightmare or flashback can you just reach out to touch me, when I tell you I'm ready? I know it's troublesome, but it's essential for me."  
Derek knew he was provoking her so much trouble, but like he'd assumed, Penelope agreed immediately.  
"Sure Handsome, like I said earlier, your wish is my command. Anything I can do for you, I will."  
Derek, smiling in relieve inhaled a deep breath.  
"Alright. I know I'm telling you that so often, but thank you, Baby Girl. You can't imagine how grateful I am to have you at my side. You keep me going."  
Penelope smiled at him, apparently relieved too.  
"You, my beloved handsome man, are unquestionably welcome. I'm glad you told me about your feelings. I thought I did some wrong. Now I know what's going on in that beautiful head of yours, and that makes me feel a lot better. So, thank you, Hot Stuff, thank you very much."  
Derek tenderly smiled, feeling like a huge rock had been lifted from his shoulders.  
"Hey, let's make step number one for today, alright?" He asked her, still holding her delicate hand in his. Penelope giggled a little and nodded.  
"You don't have to ask me twice, Handsome!" She said all smiles. Derek took a step closer and brought the love of his life in his firm, muscular arms, giving her a big bear hug. Penelope melted into his embrace but didn't put her arms around him. Derek smiled a little, inhaling her favorite jasmine perfume.  
"Can you put your arms around me too, princess?" He asked her after a few more moments. Derek had to be entirely confident he could bear her touch.  
"I thought you would never ask." Penelope tenderly wrapped her arms around his waist, snuggling as close to him as possible. Derek found himself enjoying her closeness, just like he was pleading for. Tilting his head a little, he planted a ginger kiss on her forehead.  
They stood there several moments longer until they pulled apart, looking at each other lovingly. Derek brought his hand to Penelope's cheek, caressed her tenderly all the while he watched her beaming at him.  
"Thank you, Baby Girl," he murmured, but Penelope snorted in amusement.  
"I have to thank you, Hot Stuff, that was just what I needed, I'm looking forward to part two and three," she said winking at him. Derek chuckled, for the first time in a long while feeling genuinely amused.  
"Let's go, watch that movie and eat, Silly Girl. I'm starving!"  
"Alright, Handsome!"  
They headed to the living room, where they ate their dinner in a comfortable silence. Derek realized how much better he felt today. Today he felt like he'd took a big step forward, Derek finally saw the work he'd done so far. Actually, he felt hopeful that things would get better again.  
After dinner, he laid down on the couch. A moment later he invited Penelope in his arms, which she happily accepted. Delicately placing her head on his chest, she carefully wrapped her arms around his waist as soon as he asked her too. Derek cradled her gorgeous body to his and covered them with a woolen blanket he always had around. Surrounded by Penelope's scent and comfortable warmth, he felt himself relaxing more and more. Having the sole owner of his heart in his arms made Derek feel so much better. Touching her was so easy if he was entirely aware of it. Derek hadn't thought it would be that way. Derek was quite satisfied with himself for the first time in a long row. But once again, he was grateful for having Penelope and her brother in his life.


	11. Chapter 11

Penelope woke up in the arms of Derek Morgan, firmly wrapped around her lower body. Since the Friday he'd told her honestly about his fears, he'd tried everything to work through his fear of getting touched. That had been 8 weeks ago, and as far as Penelope was able to say, he'd made significant progress. It felt like Derek had just needed a shove in the right direction. Thankfully, Penelope's brother Carlos was working very hard with Derek. Could she be more grateful for having one of the best stepbrothers in the world? Penelope didn't think so.  
Carefully snuggling closer to his muscular, well-formed sexy body, Penelope enjoyed the feeling of Derek Morgan so close to her. While still fast asleep, Derek cradled her even tighter to him, murmuring something to her neck, she didn't understand, but Penelope smiled nevertheless. In his sleep, without being haunted by nightmares, Derek was comfortable enough to hold her in his arms, like he was doing it right now. Penelope understood now that Derek had told her about his issues, that he needed her close. Derek wanted to touch her, wanted to hold her, but all these choked memories, Derek was going through almost every day, were straining him. Associating her touches with Carl Buford's in his sleep had made it unmanageable for him to enjoy having her close.  
Plainly spoken, he could've told her earlier, but Derek had tried to fight it on his own at first. Penelope could only hope, that Derek would trust her unconditionally, she wouldn't let him down ever. For that, she loved that handsome man behind her too much.  
The therapy was hard on him. He was exhausted very often, but Penelope was so proud because he kept fighting to get his old life back. He hadn't drunk alcohol since the first day of his therapy anymore. Together, they had thrown every single bottle, cheap or expensive, out of his home. They had cleaned up the whole house together, after the mess he had created in the one week, they'd been apart, so they both were more comfortable with it. Derek had felt so much better afterward.  
"I feel like I've got purified too," he'd told her honestly, yet very exhausted then. He appreciated her every day for her support, gifted her with presents or flowers at least once a week. It wasn't required though, but Penelope admired the little presents anyway. It taught her how significant her presence really was to Derek.  
Suddenly, he stirred behind her, slowly awakening. Penelope remained silent. She didn't want to scare him away. Besides, it was too cozy in his arms.  
Derek stretched his well-formed body behind her, and that was the moment, Penelope could sense his arousal at her back.  
Her eyes snapped open, astonished.  
That hadn't happened before.  
"Good morning, Princess, I know you're awake," Derek whispered behind her, squeezing her softly. "You never lay that still, Baby Girl," he supplemented, chuckling.  
"I'll show you a good morning, Hot Stuff." Giggling, Penelope relished the fact that Derek didn't pull away from her like every morning in the last few months when he'd recognized that he'd held her in his arms after waking up.  
"I just wanted to make sure you're thoroughly awake before I move Handsome," she said with a tender smile, slowly turning around, to be able to face him. Penelope was sure her cheeks were blushed, but she was too aware of the fact of Derek's sudden arousal. What would he do now? Penelope observed his face carefully.  
Derek indeed was looking a little bit scared, but he smiled at her anyway.  
He didn't stop fighting.  
Penelope couldn't be prouder.  
"Thank you, Baby Girl," he whispered softly, holding her in his firm, protecting arms. "I'm a little bit overwhelmed right now," he admitted to her after a moment of lovingly staring at each other.  
Penelope smiled and nodded slowly and sympathetically.  
"It's alright, really! All at your pace, my Chocolate Adonis. I'm proud of you anyway for not pulling away. But honestly, you will not be permitted to leave that mattress here for a long while as soon as you're ready," she told him jokingly, winking at him. Derek chuckled, and for the first time in a long row, the smile reached his eyes.  
"I can live with that fact hot momma," he answered, while he caressed up and down her spine, just to stop at her butt to give it a firm squeeze. Penelope shivered at this touch. "I can't wait to give you everything you deserve, Baby Girl. You're so hot, I wish I were able to taste every single part of that sexy body of yours right here right now. You can't even imagine the things I wanna do with you," Derek growled as he suddenly captured her lips with a passionate kiss to both their surprise. Penelope could only let out a weak moan while responding to his kiss. Just the imagination of Derek's lips all over her body left her dripping wet. She would definitely need an ice-cold shower later. "I will be ready at some point, hopefully very soon. But right now, I'm not. It's getting better though, I can see it now," he told her silently after they'd pulled apart in the desperate need of air.  
"It's apparently getting better, Hot Stoff, I'm so grateful you can see it today," Penelope answered, carefully lifting a hand to caress his cheek lovingly. Derek didn't back away, he closed his eyes for a moment, apparently relaxed. "I can wait, cause I know you want me as badly as I want you." Smirking, she winked at him again as soon as his eyes fluttered open again. "That leaves us enough time to become very creative, as soon as you're ready, don't you think? I have a few ideas which need a second thought!" Penelope told him with the most earnest expression she could muster, causing Derek to chuckle in amusement.  
"God, you're killing me, woman! But hell, yeah, you're so right!"  
"Of course, I am!" She replied, beaming at Derek with delight. "But now, we have to get our butts out of bed anyway, work is calling." Yet, another Monday, Penelope thought to herself as they slowly got out of bed. She directly headed downstairs to give Clooney his breakfast and let him out in the backyard, while Derek took the first shower. As soon as he was ready, he would take care of their breakfast while Penelope would get herself ready for work. It was some kind of a daily rhythm they'd created over the past weeks, and Penelope liked it that way.  
With Derek being able to admit his feelings more than before, Penelope felt so much hope. Humming to herself as she stood outside, relishing the first rays of the sun on her face, Penelope felt so much happier. Derek was proving day after day that he was working very hard after all those struggles, and he began to trust in her completely.  
Tenderly touching her lips, where she still felt Derek's passionate kiss, Penelope smiled to herself, knowing that this was their first kiss since Derek had left for his mom's birthday to Chicago months ago.  
She would never forget this kiss anymore in her life.  
Turning around to head upstairs to take her shower, she was met by Derek - Hot Stuff - Morgan, who was watching her with a soft smile on his lips, holding two coffee mugs in his hands. He was already fully dressed, ready to start the week.  
Penelope took the cup he gave her and thanked him as they sat down on the wooden stairs of his back porch.  
"You're so enthusiastic today," Penelope determined with a kind smile. "I like to see you like this again," she stated and nudged him softly.  
"I like that too, I wish it would last," Derek responded, taking a sip of his steaming hot coffee. "But, at least, it's a good day, and I'm ready to enjoy it as good as possible."  
"Sounds pretty good, Hot Stuff," Penelope couldn't stop smiling at the handsome man at her side. Couldn't be happier for him. Derek hadn't had many good days since he'd began his therapy. Being exhausted and mentally drained had caused many nightmares and flashbacks. But since Friday, no evil dream or visions of his tormenter had haunted him. That definitely was a good sign. It couldn't be anything else.

 

* * *

* * *

 

The day went by at a great pace. The team didn't become a new case, which meant they all were staying in Quantico. Penelope didn't remember when the last time was, she had so much joy at work. Derek had carried out his promises and enjoyed his good day with all his playfulness, the whole team had missed so much. He was laughing and making fun, just like all of them remembered him. Penelope enjoyed it as much as Derek did, she adored seeing him like this again. Knowing it wouldn't remain for now made her relish the time even more.  
Soon it was time to head to Carlos, time for his therapy. Like every day, Penelope and Derek drove together to her stepbrother's house.  
"Would you like to listen today?" Derek asked her to her surprise. "I think I'm ready..." he said thoughtfully, almost haltingly as he risked a glimpse at her.  
"If you're hundred percent sure, you don't have to ask me twice Handsome," she answered, tilting her head to look at Derek, sitting in the driver's seat. He nodded carefully and smiled in her direction while he was concentrating on the traffic.  
"I'm sure..." he answered as he stopped the car in the parking lot in front of Carlo's house. "I don't know if I am that confident again, and I understand you have to know everything that's going on in here," he told her, mentioning to his head. "I esteem you, Baby Girl, and I want to convince you that I trust you unconditionally with all my being."  
Penelope's eyes teared up at these words. Finally, he made this movement, which was so crucial for both of them. He began to understand now that everything that had happened to him wasn't his fault at all.  
"Thank you for that, Handsome, I really appreciate that," Penelope whispered tearfully.  
"You deserve it, Baby Girl. I know it's not easy for you too, you have to endure all my moods, I really want to make it up to you for everything you've done for me. No one besides my momma and sisters has ever done so much to help me without awaiting something in response. I still don't know how I became that blessed to deserve you, but I will do anything to make this thing here between us work. I love you, Penelope."  
Penelope opened her mouth just to shut it again because of a big lump in her throat. Eventually, he'd said the words she'd been waiting for months now. And now that she'd heard them, Penelope found herself speechlessly staring at her Hot Stuff, the love of her life. Opening her mouth again, she became aware of the tears which were streaming down her face without her approval. Penelope wanted to wipe them away, but Derek was faster. With his big palms, he cupped her cheeks and tenderly wiped away every single tear.  
"I'm sorry it took me so damn long, Baby Girl," he whispered, with so much comprehension in his words.  
"It's okay...really...I'm just so happy, Hot Stuff," Penelope whispered. She'd eventually found the control over her voice. "I love you too, and I'm sorry, but I have to kiss you now!" Penelope informed him, causing Derek to chuckle. He bent his head and kissed her for the second time for this day. Penelope responded immediately, throwing her arms around his neck carefully. "I love you so very much, Derek Morgan," Penelope whispered into their kiss, feeling Derek's soft smile as they shared one last kiss before they would have to go to Derek's therapy appointment.  
Only minutes later, they were comfortably seated on Carlo's couch, next to each other, her stepbrother was sitting in his armchair in front of them.  
"So Derek, you decided to let Penelope join our appointment today...what's the occasion?"  
"Well...I'd say, today was a perfect day. It started pretty nice..." Derek began slowly. Penelope could feel how difficult it still was on him to talk about him and his problems, but he was getting better at it.  
"I was aroused for the first time in...I don't know...month's? It wasn't caused by the nightmares of Carl, it was caused by Penelope," Derek said slowly, and Penelope listened attentively, holding a cup of steaming hot coffee in her hands. "I told you that Carl Buford told me every time how much I liked what he was doing. And I mentioned that he made my body like it too even if I didn't want that. It just happened. That was why I dated so many women in the past...I needed to prove to myself that I didn't like what Buford had done to me, that I was a man, and capable of enjoying the body of a woman. Since the day, everything came out, especially in the week I was on my own, I didn't feel anything toward any woman who wanted me. That was killing me, and I thought I would never be able again to have this. But this morning was different." Derek looked at Penelope. Still, she could see the anxiety in his eyes. But he trusted her entirely, Penelope saw that too, and her heart melted in an instant. "I was fully aroused as I woke up, holding Penelope in my arms. And it felt good. There was no memory of Buford haunting me, it was just this feeling of lust and love. It was overwhelming, though," Derek admitted slowly.  
"What did you do when you realized all that?" Carlos asked Derek, who smiled a little sheepishly.  
"I kissed her and told her how I felt and that I absolutely want her, but that I'm not ready."  
"And Penelope?"  
With blushed cheeks, Penelope listened to the men talking. She was here to listen to Derek, she knew it, but oh how much she wanted to say something to support Derek.  
"She accepted what I told her and just did everything right...like always," Derek told Carlos honestly, almost shining with gratitude towards Penelope.  
"Okay, okay, whatever happened here, Derek, I'm proud of you!" Carlos said, grinning from ear to ear as he watched his patient closely. "You did an amazing job in the past 8 weeks. I think you're ready to be fully back to work."  
Penelope beamed with happiness. That was excellent news, and a look at Derek's face told her the same, he apparently was the happiest person on earth right now.  
"We still will meet each other, I want to know how's it going on when you're back on the field. You still have to tell your mom?"  
Derek nodded slowly. That topic wasn't easy on him. Derek didn't want his mom to feel sorry for throwing him into the arms of Carl Buford. He didn't want to hurt his momma. But all of them knew, talking to his mom would be another part of his healing too.  
"I think I can talk to her. But that's no topic for the phone...we need to visit her," Derek admitted, looking at Penelope with a pleading expression. "Would you join me? I know I've asked you so many things, but..."  
"Stop asking unnecessary questions, my Knight in shining armor, of course, I'm coming with you!" Penelope interrupted Derek with a smile. "I told you, I'm at your side when you need me, this is no exception."  
Gratefully, Derek took her hand in his, with the sweetest smile on his lips, Penelope had ever seen.  
"Thank you, Baby Girl, thank you so much."


End file.
